Football Obituaries

I should start by explaining that no one relevant was actually harmed prior to the writing of this piece, and that the above title was chosen only to conjure up mild levels of intrigue.  As a result, if any subsequent 'mishaps' are to occur I must point out that they are merely an unfortunate coincidence... 

It has been an extraordinary past month or so in British football - as one would expect at the conclusion of the domestic season - only this time the major interest has actually been away from the island of well pruned grass...

For a significant group of the football following public, especially those 20 somethings, the past few weeks have felt like the end of an era, even the end of THEIR era; Beckham's lob over Neil Sullivan from the half-way line, Michael Owen's wonder goal against Argentina in '98, Paul Scholes' mis-timed tackles, and Jamie Carragher's numerous own goals, weaved into the very fabric of their lives and played out in their anecdotes. Yet, all those mentioned (bar Neil Sullivan) bowed out last weekend; and all in a typically professional and dignified manner.. characteristics that seem all to rare amongst the hard-partying, Ferrari driving, wife-swapping players who now step into their enormous shoes. So, though the players themselves live on in decadent Cheshire mansions, a large portion of British pop-culture died last weekend!

There was however one story demanding the limelight even from the sporting royalty aforementioned! The impending retirement of a man who began his tenure at United when the above detailed fans were still on Farley's Rusks or even just a twinkle in the postman's eye... Step up Sir Alex Ferguson...
The story was sparked into life on the evening of Tuesday 7 May 2013 when rumblings of Sir Alex's impeding resignation leaked from Dunham

(the moment Rooney heard the news)

Forest Golf Club (where United's playing staff were enjoying a day off), enveloped Twitter, and finally washed up in black and white print on the pages of The Telegraph (congratulations Mark Ogden). The inevitable media frenzy that continued throughout the evening and long into the early hours was met by an uncharacteristic silence from the PR machine within Old Trafford - stakeholders had that sinking feeling...

The morning's news would be blockbuster.. Manchester United confirming at 09:17, through their website, that Sir Alex was to hang up the hairdryer and cancel the Wrigley's subscription at the end of the season. Cue football meltdown!

(The Sun's ode to Sir Alex - Thurs 9 May 2013)

The days that followed saw a who's who of association football, wider sport, and politics, paying their respects to a man that has won an incredible 49 senior trophies over an unparalleled 39 year career in Scotland and England: -

"Sir Alex Ferguson's achievements at Manchester United have been exceptional" (PM David Cameron)

"It is the end of an era for a truly great ambassador, not only for the Premier League but for football overall" (Patrick Vieira)

"Well done and happy retirement to Sir Alex. What he has done will never be repeated" (Dietmar Hamann)

"Sir Alex, one of the best managers of all time" (Vincent Kompany)

"A legend and one of the greatest managers ever" (Michael Essien)

"Proud man, great manager, staunch Labour Party supporter" (Ed Miliband Tweeting 25 relevant characters)

However all this lip service, as flattering as it must be, pales in significance vastly when it's compared to the incredible scenes of Sir Alex's final home game in charge; and to the health & safety defying open-top bus parade the following day. They say a picture speaks a thousand words and on this particular occasion I'll shut my proverbial trap as I couldn't agree more: -

*Property of Bobby Cowsill

(There's no United fans in Manchester!)

The pictures above portray the admiration with which Sir Alex is held by the United faithful and the love that they feel towards a man who has influenced their lives so greatly over the past quarter of a century. 

But it's not only United that will feel his loss! The fiery Scot's exit from the dugout will leave a huge void in British football generally; journalists hang off his every word, opposing fans love to hate him, and the esteem in which he's held globally attracts vast interest to the Premier League. In addition, and this MUST not be forgotten.. he introduced "squeaky bum time" to the national vocabulary- Dr Johnson would have been proud. 

Dubbed the "Godfather" of British football: sometimes feared, occasionally hated, but overwhelmingly respected by all; Sir Alex is a one of kind! His legacy, along with those of the players outlined in my opening gambit, will live long with the football masses.. all will be sadly missed! Retire In Peace...

Here's a summary of the great professionals that have left our game in recent weeks: -

• Sir Alex Ferguson - 1500 games in charge of United.
• David "Golden Balls" Beckham - capped 115 times for England
• Jamie Carragher - 737 games for Liverpool
• Michael Owen - I actually thought he'd retired years ago..
• Paul Scholes - "Scholes is a role model model for me.. he's the best midfielder I've seen in the last 15/20 years" (Xavi, Barcelona)
• Phil Neville - has yet to officially confirm that he's hung his boots up but another of Manchester United's infamous class of '92 likely to follow Sir Alex.
• Stilian Petrov - tragic! get well soon Stan!
• Filippo Inzaghi - okay, I went too far! anyone who celebrates like that after a one yard scuff into the net should not be thought of in such high regard..

There are many many more.. so please feel free to add your retiring hero to the comments below! We'd love to hear from you!

Thank you for reading

please follow @BobbyCowsill

or join the facebook group - https://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/

The Round-Up 29 November 2012

(the definitive Mo for Movember
- though I fear he may have raised
awareness of same sex relationships as
opposed to male health)

You won't be surprised to learn that the story dominating this week's football headlines has been Michael Owen's outrageous, 'I wear buttless chaps at the discotheque on a Friday night' style, mustache. The monstrosity, seen left, was thrust into the national gaze by his appearance on Sky Sports' Champions League coverage of match day five. I recall a certain air of disbelief filled my local drinking establishment as the broadcaster's cameras panned round to reveal Owen's hair ravished philtrum for the first time. Further, you could witness the withering of other rival facial shrubbery, and the associated wedding vegetables, adorned by many of the locals... Michael Owen, a man who until Wednesday week had been rumoured pre-pubescent, was now the shining beacon of manliness (I imagine a certain brown condiment company will be in touch imminently).

Unfortunately for Owen though, his valiant hair growing attempts appear to have been in vain, Chelski instead plumping for the textbook goatee fashioned by full-time waiter and aspirational manager Rafa Benitez (seemless continuity link there). The Spaniard replaces one time wonder-maker Roberto Di Matteo, ironically a victim of poor Champions League form, at the helm of Roman Abramovich's Chelski; and that, I'm told, is a FACT.

Mr Benitez, the once, or possibly current, sworn enemy of the Stamford Bridge faithful, was reported in Chelski's pre-match programme to have taken the poisoned chalice as "interim first-team manager" -Abramovich likely to resume his long-term pursuit of Pep Guardiola as the season draws to a close.

(Di Matteo again finds himself
out of work despite bringing success
to a club, and in spite of his
popularity amongst fans) 

Now I appreciate many high profile managerial vacancies have come and gone (predominately at Chelsea!) since Benitez parted company with Internazionale in December 2010; however, surely Chelski's blunt admission is an insult to a man who guided Valencia to two La Liga titles, and a UEFA Cup; as well as helping Houllier's Liverpool 'smash and grab' the Champions League in 2005.

To irritate Benitez further, the reception he received from Chelski's supporters during their game with Manchester City on Sunday was audibly, and unmistakeably, hostile - despite Benitez's post-match claims that he "had not heard" the boos (whilst simultaneously dabbing his eyes with a tissue from his second box of floral scented Kleenex). Still not satisfied with their new boss' mental state, in the 16th minute of the game, the aforementioned fans morphed in a manner popularised by Robert Louis Stevenson, from a raging animal, into a placid and sombre collective, in order to show respect and gratitude to the outgoing Di Matteo (formerly Chelsea's no.16).

(A jibe at comments Benitez made
about Chelsea during his
Liverpool tenure)

Di Matteo was not alone however in his race to Job Centre Plus on Monday morning; Mark Hughes, having been relieved of his position at lowly Queens Park Rangers, was following on behind - as his side have been all season. With 13 games gone (one since his dismissal), Hughes' former men have managed to nearly win a grand total of... A game. This frankly Derby-esque level of futility has left the club from West London seven points adrift of safety, and bottom of the Premier League (even behind Liverpool!). Sparky's replacement and the man drafted in to evade relegation, amongst other things, is 'if that had gone in, it would have been a goal' regular 'Arry Redknapp. Redknapp has already been observed conducting the obligatory drive-by interview through a wound down window; and heard building up the enormity of the job (only Harry Houdini and Redknapp himself can save them apparently)... we await the familiar yet obscure "top top" loan signings... Jorge Mendes will be rubbing his hands together.

Reverting to this weekend's disappointments, assuming that Redknapp's return to football isn't one, it's worth noting that none of the previous candidates; Benitez, Di Matteo, Hughes, Chelski's alienated fans etc, actually win the accolade for the week's most disgruntled entity. All are thoroughly usurped by a Japanese journalist hoping to attend the summit clash in Scotchland's mighty fourth tier...

So miserable was this man's plight that The Daily Mail even took time out of their busy scaremongering schedule to report the story, "Daisuke Nakajima packed his bags, booked his tickets and began a 6000 mile journey from Tokyo to Moray to watch the Ibrox giants [Rangers] take on Elgin City in the Third Division. But, after a 14 hour flight, an overnight stay in Edinburgh and a five-hour journey, it was only as his train was a few miles from Elgin's Borough Briggs football ground that he realised the game had been called off".

With no air of smugness whatsoever, I refer you to a previous blog post (Nostradamus eat your heart out!):-
http://bobbycowsill.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/follow-follow-on-we-all-follow-team-12.htmlh

(Nakajima shown above - it's
alleged this photo was taken on
the red carpet during the premier
 of 1984 film Karate Kid in which
he starred (still not there??)...
as Mr Miyagi)

It's clear that Mr Nakajima is NOT one of my regular four readers, as though the above report was an excuse to extract the Michael from the lower echelons of Scottish 'football', it did highlight a genuine concern I harboured prior to Rangers demotion... a fear that last weekend became a reality.

Mr Nakajima, along with several thousand other expectant spectators, was turned away from the Moray ground due to security worries. Elgin City Football Club, a club that usually caters for two home fans and their carers, seemingly incapable of coping with the demands of hosting a well followed outfit such as the 'Gers. Subsequent reports have revealed that the home ticket office allowed sales to exceed the ground's maximum capacity by circa 25% (meaning they sold 5 tickets I assume), forcing authorities to pull the plug last minute. The host's punishment for this logistical error has been a £25,000 fine, an order to pay Ranger's expenses, and the equivalent of an ostrich size egg on the face. Still, it's not all negative for those affiliated with Elgin... at least their team avoided the inevitable pasting; AND, given that the region contains the world famous Malt Whisky Trail, no one will remember the incident by now anyway!

Thanks for reading (scrolling to the bottom of) this article.
I would REALLY appreciate any feedback, and please please pass it on if you enjoyed it.
Thanks again.
BC
Twitter: @BobbyCowsill
Facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/

Diving, Simulation, Schwalbe...

(possibly a misleading picture given that this is how homo sapiens fall naturally)

Diving: it's a highly regarded national obsession during the Olympics in August, yet as soon as the football season kicks off a week or so later, there's national disparagement... no wonder certain Premier League amoebae are confused.

The consensus amongst the UK public (or so The Sun says) has always been that diving, as well as other disgraceful facets of the modern game such as passing, defending, and finishing, was imported by the influx of foreign players into the national game; and that occurrences still concentrate around certain nationalities. I appreciate that this is true to an extent *cough, cough, Portugal cough, cough*, but before we get all high and mighty and begin harping on about The Empire, recent events indicate that the plague has spread; PG Tips promoter Gareth Bale, penalty extraordinaire Ashley Young, and Bambi impersonator Danny Welbeck, all involved in high profile cases of alleged cheating. Furthermore, former footballer Michael Owen (some of you may remember him) has openly admitted going to ground easily on two separate occasions. In his recent interview, Owen states that, "I have been guilty [of going to ground] as well. I played at the 1998 World Cup [for England] against Argentina and I was running flat out, got a nudge, went down. Could I have stayed up? Probably". In addition, Owen remarks on the adjacent World Cup of 2002, saying, "Then four years later Collina gave me a penalty against Argentina. Again, I could have stayed on my feet".

(I hope and pray I will be too)

I doubt in light of Owen's comments that he will be vilified in South America the same way Simeone was in the English segment of the UK, following THE Beckham incident; yet the respective crimes are comparable. Moreover, I don't expect any major national out pour of emotion, or any overzealous headlines (see right for an example), following Owen's revelations; especially given the importance of the resulting goals to the English population... cue xenophobic chanting.

And it's the double standard that these Owen admissions evidence, that has marred the clean up campaign. The BBC write up, attached below, praises Owen and revels in the national team's result. Perhaps if the fans, press, and associated players, turned against the offender rather than congratulating him, or refused to celebrate any subsequent penalty conversion, then diving would soon be irradiated. But can you really imagine this happening? After all, a hollow victory is still a victory! (Ask any Celtic fan in May 2013 OR see Liverpool vs Chelsea, Champions League 2005).

Given what's at stake, both financially and in terms of accolade, the pressures to achieve at any cost are mounting. The difference between success and failure is minuscule, and any competitive advantage that can be gained may result in disproportional benefit. Reverting to Owen's exposure (which has nothing on Erica Roe's), the attached article highlights the importance of the result that his 'dive' generated: - http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport3/worldcup2002/hi/matches_wallchart/argentina_v_england/default.stm

If players are being externally influenced, then responsibility must rest on the club officials and football's governing bodies to stamp out the phenomena. Referees are clearly the first line of defence, but given that professional football is played at such an intense pace, by full time athletes, largely in their 20's, it is no surprise that referees, who are one Harley Davidson away from a mid-life crisis, make occasional (frequent) mistakes.

To be fair, the standard of refereeing in the top flight of the English game is generally high. HOWEVER there is still blame to be apportioned to the on-field officials; after all, by their very nature, dives are supposed to be seen by the officials (as amusing as it would be, there aren't going to be many off-the-ball dives), and yet time and again the wrong assessments are made.

I am not going to concentrate on these incorrect decisions in this blog though; as aforementioned, in real time, the incidents can be indistinct. What I do wish to touch on however, is the tendency to award free-kicks or penalties only in the event a player hits the turf. Conversely, it's the failure to punish the offence when a player stays on his feet, what we now call "being too honest", that may have progressed the issue of diving further. Simply put, it's a natural succession for players that believe they must go to ground, to fall if they feel impeded; or even to anticipate the contact and throw themselves (see left).

(Replays subsequently showed that
a blade of grass had been left uncut)

It may therefore be advantageous in the fight against 'simulation' to implement the advantage rule in a fashion similar to that of rugby (better known as 'egg-chasing' - for those overseas: it's like American Football only for men). The rugby model allows play to develop following an infringement, and should no significant advantage be gained, then affairs are pulled back for the original offence. In this instance, the incentive is always for players to stay on their feet and seek an end product; knowing full well that any subsequent failure will bring play back - thus effectively giving the player two chances. Again, pressure will fall on a referee to acknowledge the foul, despite a player maintaining his footing, as well as to interpret the rules and events correctly; but it could lead to improvements.

Though any application of new law, such as that detailed above, could be contentious, the revision of the severity of punishments for those caught diving would have mass appeal. As things stand, the offence is penalized by a free-kick to the opposition and the brandishing of a yellow card - possibly the biggest let-off since OJ Simpson (allegedly)! What's more, this proverbial slapped wrist only applies to those players that are sighted at the time!

(an 'off-the-ball' incident involving
Carlos Valderrama (oh.. apparently a very
conservative side parting...))

Many experts in the field (pun intended) have therefore suggested the use of video replay and resulting action. The referee's report and subsequent FA reviews have been instrumental in the reduction of violent offences carried out when the referee's back is turned (see right), and the scope of these responsibilities could easily be widened to incorporate simulation. Catching the offenders more regularly may curb behaviour alone, but when used in union with fitting punishment, would surely generate a beneficial outcome...

Clubs and players are no longer deterred by fines, given their financial muscle, whereas retrospective bans in line with those for violent conduct, could affect them significantly; especially given the influence a number of serial offenders have on their club sides: - the likes of Suarez, Nani, Torres, and Daley. This post match penalisation could even be extended to points deductions for repeat offenders, in an attempt to internalise the pressures further.

As a parting thought, contrary to my previous advice, and founded mainly on nostalgia; the FA/UEFA match reviews could always be scrapped entirely... The removal of these 'eyes in the sky', would allow the laws of talion to prevail once again (Don Revie could finally rest in peace); "an eye for an eye". If each team's 'Joey Barton' was able to seek retribution, either in the middle, or in the tunnel, following displays of cheating, then these 'go-down-if-someone-in-the-stand-has-flatulence merchants' would soon think twice... it worked in the 70's and 80's! In addition, the return of the good old fashioned off the ball scuffle would disperse the activity over a greater area of the pitch, thus improving allocative efficiency, and increasing entertainment in general... motion forwarded?

Clearly the statements above are simplistic overviews of a complex issue but certain facts still remain: -
1. diving in professional football is prevalent.
2. present punishments are not acting as a deterrent.
3. given the importance of football financially, culturally, and historically, cheating should not be tolerated.
4. facilities are in place to tackle the problem but they are not being utilised effectively.
5. continuous feigning of injury could cause a genuine medical issue to be overlooked.
6. there was once a footballer named Michael Owen.
7. Tom Daley's 'budgie smugglers' are far too skimpy.
It is my opinion therefore, that it is imperative the FA, in conjunction with UEFA, are proactive in eradicating this unsavoury side to the beautiful game by introducing fresh measures... (just Tweet me Mr Bernstein).

Here are a few examples of 'ALLEGED' diving for those who are completely lost (It's a mystery how Matthew McConaughey keeps getting roles when there's talent like this out there... (in fact it's a mystery full stop)): -

(Above: Gamst Pedersen)

(Above: Busquets - one of her many many offences! #BarcelonaFCmaskmyinability)

(Above: Rivaldo - Hakan Unsal, football salutes you)

(just one more time...)

Do you agree that further action is required? and if so, what would you like to see implemented? Let me know your thoughts via Twitter, Facebook or leave a message at the foot of this blog... FYI logical and irrational ideas will be treated with equal disdain.

In addition, please contribute your favourite/least favourite acts of simulation.

Thanks for reading... please share the article if you endured it.

BC
Follow me on Twitter: - @BobbyCowsill
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