Although I have splattered the World Wide Web with my un-unique
brand of literary tripe, I have not proverbially vomited on 'if that had been a goal' for some time... I'm sure you've all missed it like Sunderland fans miss Paulo
Di Canio.
Well, for the poor lonely soul out there that genuinely reads my
self-absorbent patter, here's a round-up of the latest essential news from
within the world of football: -
Tan’ed
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| (Vincent Tan looking more sinister than a 70's TV star) |
Vincent Tan has declared that just about everything at his beloved
Cardiff City should centre on the number 8 - including the preferential signing
of staff with the number somewhere in their birth-date. Given that Mr Tan has
already fired a perfectly capable manager, changed the colour of Cardiff City's
home kit and inexplicably jettisoned the club's director of recruitment, it is
surely only a matter of time before the man who takes all his style tips from the
bad guys in bond films appoints himself to the managerial role and converts the
pitch to an octagon.
Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger!
It is hugely disappointing to hear of young players with the world at
their feet being sucked up by the party lifestyle of booze, VIP clubs and glamorous
girls - such hardships they face at such a testosterone driven age.
Well, Adnan Januzaj may be an individual on the road to football stardom
but refreshingly he hasn't let his new-found wealth and fame go to his head - presumably because he's physically about 10 years old and still suffers the wrath
of his mother. The baby-faced United starlet, when confronted with a 25 year
old 'lovely' from Liverpool, pondered Rosso, Wings and Australasia before
deciding to don a pair of 'trackie-b's' and head to Nando’s. Bizarrely, the
high-heeled shoes and cocktail dress ensemble adopted by his date was
considered too sophisticated for such a cheap establishment and the girl in her
anger sold her story of mal-treatment to the papers. Imagine, a wannabe WAG, 6
years Januzaj's senior, from the bedrock of class (Liverpool), selling her
story and then complaining of being treated in a “stingy” manner. Such is the
regard in which Januzaj is now held by the culture vultures that fill the
terraces up and down the country that the news of his dating disaster has been
met with uncompromising support. He was even welcomed to the playing field at
Old Trafford by chants of "let’s all go to Nando’s, let’s all go to Nando’s"
– the restaurant chain simply couldn't buy that kind of publicity! Their gift
to Januzaj..? An offer of a free meal if he takes anyone else on a date there
(the mysterious “anyone else” is sure to be an improvement).
An-der-gone-gone-gone
Talking of Nando's frequenters, Anderson, now known as 'Andow', has
departed for the sunny and frequently corrupt climes of Italian football. His
fitness and attitude must have been akin to Homer Simpson if he was surplus to
the requirements of Manchester United's midfield! Andow, if you are a reader, the
restaurateurs of Florence - sporting sharp new Armani suits and swinging the
keys to shiny new sports cars - asked me to pass on a huge welcome!
Kinnear departs after what he’s told the press was 2 successful years of
a 6 month tenure
 |
| (that's a bit harsh... on clowns) |
Elsewhere, Joe Kinnear left his post as the Chief Abuse Deflector at
Newcastle United this week - It is expected that Mike Ashley himself will now
slide perfectly into the void left by the departure. It should be mentioned
though that in losing Kinnear, Newcastle don’t just lose a popular figure, they
also wave goodbye to his extensive contact book – he is known to communicate
regularly with Sir Alex and has a relationship with every manager to have ever
walked the earth. These special relationships were evident throughout his
stint at the Tyneside club, and a fear must now exist that Newcastle United will
resume normal transfer activity going forward (involving signing players and everything!).
Joe Kinnear on the other-hand will claim he never worked at Newcastle at all,
before further mirroring the career path of Geoffrey Archer.
Kall-storm
Arsenal are renowned for their unusual transfer policy, but the signing
of Kim Kallstrom has even baffled Arsene Wenger himself! Deadline day is the
football equivalent of shopping on Christmas Eve and inevitably compromises
must be made – i) Arsenal are initially unable to secure Draxler in time; so, ii) they fail
in the pursuit of Vucinic; thus iii) Arsenal presumably decide there's not one fit football player available... cue iv) Wenger considers Kim Kallstrom - He'll do nicely they say. Reports surfacing from my
imagination suggest Wenger was knee deep in a game of Deadline Day Drinking
when he signed off on this deal - before downing 4 fingers of Chateauneuf-du-Pape
because the team he’s affiliated with came up on the yellow bar running along
the foot of the screen. Wenger has subsequently concluded that he "would not have signed [a player with a
broken back] if he’d had two or three more days" i.e. if he'd sobered up. Due to injury the Swede is
unlikely to feature within the next month; by which time Ramsey and Wilshere will likely have returned, got injured, and
returned again. Arsenal fans can expect to see Kallstrom run out at the
Emirates... well actually they can't.
Arsenal are Asia's number 1
Additional good news for the Gooners is that a survey carried out in
Asia this week ranked them as the most supported outfit in the region; usurping
the red half of Manchester. Arsenal players and fans can now expect a string of
Asian pre-season tours in which most of the side suffer chronic gut-rot in an
attempt to turn just one of the 50,000,000 shirts sold on the continent into a licensed
sale.
Dreams can come true.
If you have ever cast your eye over the lucky lasses that have secured
the presenting posts at Sky Sports you won't have failed to notice that they
are... let’s say... pleasing on the eye. As well as the most qualified and
competent applicants - obviously! Imagine then heading off the field after
collecting a dubious red card, trudging down the tunnel and into the dressing
room, only to discover a naked female sports reporter in the ice-bath... and
not just any old C*are Baldin*... a Sky Sports presenter!
 |
| (the broadcasting sensation that is Miss Webster) |
... sorry what were we talking about, I've somehow lost my train of
thought...
... un-strategically placed bubbles... objects sharp enough to cut
glass...
... yes, well, erm, anyway, that was exactly the scenario that faced the
long-haired leviathan Andy Carroll after his dismissal at the weekend. The
presenter in question, Charlie Webster. *Disclaimer - this only happens in
other people's lives! If you kick someone during your Sunday league game this
weekend you'll just end up sat in a drafty changing room on your lonesome with
a teammate's discarded banana-hammock for eye candy.
Breaking News
Finally, I've literally just been told that Rio Ferdinand didn't retire
at the end of last season after all... expect to see him grace a telebox near you soon
(probably via a re-run of World Cup Wind-ups)
@BobbyCowsill
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