Diving, Simulation, Schwalbe...

(possibly a misleading picture given that this is how homo sapiens fall naturally)

Diving: it's a highly regarded national obsession during the Olympics in August, yet as soon as the football season kicks off a week or so later, there's national disparagement... no wonder certain Premier League amoebae are confused.

The consensus amongst the UK public (or so The Sun says) has always been that diving, as well as other disgraceful facets of the modern game such as passing, defending, and finishing, was imported by the influx of foreign players into the national game; and that occurrences still concentrate around certain nationalities. I appreciate that this is true to an extent *cough, cough, Portugal cough, cough*, but before we get all high and mighty and begin harping on about The Empire, recent events indicate that the plague has spread; PG Tips promoter Gareth Bale, penalty extraordinaire Ashley Young, and Bambi impersonator Danny Welbeck, all involved in high profile cases of alleged cheating. Furthermore, former footballer Michael Owen (some of you may remember him) has openly admitted going to ground easily on two separate occasions. In his recent interview, Owen states that, "I have been guilty [of going to ground] as well. I played at the 1998 World Cup [for England] against Argentina and I was running flat out, got a nudge, went down. Could I have stayed up? Probably". In addition, Owen remarks on the adjacent World Cup of 2002, saying, "Then four years later Collina gave me a penalty against Argentina. Again, I could have stayed on my feet".

(I hope and pray I will be too)

I doubt in light of Owen's comments that he will be vilified in South America the same way Simeone was in the English segment of the UK, following THE Beckham incident; yet the respective crimes are comparable. Moreover, I don't expect any major national out pour of emotion, or any overzealous headlines (see right for an example), following Owen's revelations; especially given the importance of the resulting goals to the English population... cue xenophobic chanting.

And it's the double standard that these Owen admissions evidence, that has marred the clean up campaign. The BBC write up, attached below, praises Owen and revels in the national team's result. Perhaps if the fans, press, and associated players, turned against the offender rather than congratulating him, or refused to celebrate any subsequent penalty conversion, then diving would soon be irradiated. But can you really imagine this happening? After all, a hollow victory is still a victory! (Ask any Celtic fan in May 2013 OR see Liverpool vs Chelsea, Champions League 2005).

Given what's at stake, both financially and in terms of accolade, the pressures to achieve at any cost are mounting. The difference between success and failure is minuscule, and any competitive advantage that can be gained may result in disproportional benefit. Reverting to Owen's exposure (which has nothing on Erica Roe's), the attached article highlights the importance of the result that his 'dive' generated: - http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport3/worldcup2002/hi/matches_wallchart/argentina_v_england/default.stm

If players are being externally influenced, then responsibility must rest on the club officials and football's governing bodies to stamp out the phenomena. Referees are clearly the first line of defence, but given that professional football is played at such an intense pace, by full time athletes, largely in their 20's, it is no surprise that referees, who are one Harley Davidson away from a mid-life crisis, make occasional (frequent) mistakes.

To be fair, the standard of refereeing in the top flight of the English game is generally high. HOWEVER there is still blame to be apportioned to the on-field officials; after all, by their very nature, dives are supposed to be seen by the officials (as amusing as it would be, there aren't going to be many off-the-ball dives), and yet time and again the wrong assessments are made.

I am not going to concentrate on these incorrect decisions in this blog though; as aforementioned, in real time, the incidents can be indistinct. What I do wish to touch on however, is the tendency to award free-kicks or penalties only in the event a player hits the turf. Conversely, it's the failure to punish the offence when a player stays on his feet, what we now call "being too honest", that may have progressed the issue of diving further. Simply put, it's a natural succession for players that believe they must go to ground, to fall if they feel impeded; or even to anticipate the contact and throw themselves (see left).

(Replays subsequently showed that
a blade of grass had been left uncut)

It may therefore be advantageous in the fight against 'simulation' to implement the advantage rule in a fashion similar to that of rugby (better known as 'egg-chasing' - for those overseas: it's like American Football only for men). The rugby model allows play to develop following an infringement, and should no significant advantage be gained, then affairs are pulled back for the original offence. In this instance, the incentive is always for players to stay on their feet and seek an end product; knowing full well that any subsequent failure will bring play back - thus effectively giving the player two chances. Again, pressure will fall on a referee to acknowledge the foul, despite a player maintaining his footing, as well as to interpret the rules and events correctly; but it could lead to improvements.

Though any application of new law, such as that detailed above, could be contentious, the revision of the severity of punishments for those caught diving would have mass appeal. As things stand, the offence is penalized by a free-kick to the opposition and the brandishing of a yellow card - possibly the biggest let-off since OJ Simpson (allegedly)! What's more, this proverbial slapped wrist only applies to those players that are sighted at the time!

(an 'off-the-ball' incident involving
Carlos Valderrama (oh.. apparently a very
conservative side parting...))

Many experts in the field (pun intended) have therefore suggested the use of video replay and resulting action. The referee's report and subsequent FA reviews have been instrumental in the reduction of violent offences carried out when the referee's back is turned (see right), and the scope of these responsibilities could easily be widened to incorporate simulation. Catching the offenders more regularly may curb behaviour alone, but when used in union with fitting punishment, would surely generate a beneficial outcome...

Clubs and players are no longer deterred by fines, given their financial muscle, whereas retrospective bans in line with those for violent conduct, could affect them significantly; especially given the influence a number of serial offenders have on their club sides: - the likes of Suarez, Nani, Torres, and Daley. This post match penalisation could even be extended to points deductions for repeat offenders, in an attempt to internalise the pressures further.

As a parting thought, contrary to my previous advice, and founded mainly on nostalgia; the FA/UEFA match reviews could always be scrapped entirely... The removal of these 'eyes in the sky', would allow the laws of talion to prevail once again (Don Revie could finally rest in peace); "an eye for an eye". If each team's 'Joey Barton' was able to seek retribution, either in the middle, or in the tunnel, following displays of cheating, then these 'go-down-if-someone-in-the-stand-has-flatulence merchants' would soon think twice... it worked in the 70's and 80's! In addition, the return of the good old fashioned off the ball scuffle would disperse the activity over a greater area of the pitch, thus improving allocative efficiency, and increasing entertainment in general... motion forwarded?

Clearly the statements above are simplistic overviews of a complex issue but certain facts still remain: -
1. diving in professional football is prevalent.
2. present punishments are not acting as a deterrent.
3. given the importance of football financially, culturally, and historically, cheating should not be tolerated.
4. facilities are in place to tackle the problem but they are not being utilised effectively.
5. continuous feigning of injury could cause a genuine medical issue to be overlooked.
6. there was once a footballer named Michael Owen.
7. Tom Daley's 'budgie smugglers' are far too skimpy.
It is my opinion therefore, that it is imperative the FA, in conjunction with UEFA, are proactive in eradicating this unsavoury side to the beautiful game by introducing fresh measures... (just Tweet me Mr Bernstein).

Here are a few examples of 'ALLEGED' diving for those who are completely lost (It's a mystery how Matthew McConaughey keeps getting roles when there's talent like this out there... (in fact it's a mystery full stop)): -

(Above: Gamst Pedersen)

(Above: Busquets - one of her many many offences! #BarcelonaFCmaskmyinability)

(Above: Rivaldo - Hakan Unsal, football salutes you)

(just one more time...)

Do you agree that further action is required? and if so, what would you like to see implemented? Let me know your thoughts via Twitter, Facebook or leave a message at the foot of this blog... FYI logical and irrational ideas will be treated with equal disdain.

In addition, please contribute your favourite/least favourite acts of simulation.

Thanks for reading... please share the article if you endured it.

BC
Follow me on Twitter: - @BobbyCowsill
OR join my facebook group: - http://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/

The Premiership Sack Race 2012/2013

(I realise this is out of date however the designer is considerably more adept at photoshop than I am!
 - thanks whoever you are (unless you're a traffic warden or Diego Simeone))

The 2012/2013 season is still very much in its infancy and many backroom staff members will be finding their feet and/or adjusting to new surroundings...

What better time then for the chairman of the club to dust off the P45 forms (or more likely replenish the depleted stocks) and clear out the off-field personnel?  – some of which will have had no interaction with, and hence no influence what-so-ever on, the mal-practicing 1st XI (victims instead of considerably cheaper redundancy terms).

(Mr Pulis. The customary glasses
and baseball cap combo -
don't try this at home)

Though we all feel great sadness when the likes of the U-14 assistant coach gets laid off, the sole focus of this article will be the snappily dressed (Mr Pulis aside), pace-maker installed, managers of the Premier League.

With 6 games played per team (15.7894..% of the season no less!) if you’re not flying high, or your chairman is Mike Ashley, then it could be time for the chop. But who is going to win this year’s wooden spoon award for the first managerial casualty/exit through 'mutual consent'?

Here are Patrick Power’s main contenders as at 24 September 2012 (I must advise you that equally Irish bookmakers are also available): -

Nigel Adkins 3/1

Mark Hughes 4/1

Brendan Rodgers 5/1

Andre Villas-Boas 5/1

Sam Allardyce 6/1

Tony Pulis 10/1

Chris Hughton 14/1

Roberto Di Matteo 16/1

Paul Lambert 16/1

Alan Pardew 25/1

Mr Adkins

It will come as no surprise to you, that the bookmakers are rarely wrong; we've all put a 403 game accumulator bet down that looks like a sure thing, despite the bookie issuing odds of circa 7,800,000 /1... and have we won? No of course we *insert French word here* haven't! We wouldn't be sat here reading/writing this drivel if we had!

With the above in mind, Mr Adkins ought to start padding out his Curriculum Vitae with some voluntary work, and/or by retaking his cycle proficiency, because the people in 'the know' have predicted his cushy Premiership post may be about to end... it's even been muttered that ex-Portsmouth, Southampton, and Portsmouth manager 'Arry Redknapp may be in line to replace him.

As my previous release of 20 September outlined, Southampton, despite record breaking spending, are favourites for relegation - you may recall that only Lyndsey Lohan's breakdown was more widely predicted. When any side begins to struggle, as Southampton invariably will, then the manager's position comes under the spotlight. This will be accentuated further by the significant bank rolling of the Chairman Nicola Cortese in the off-season.

As you are aware, football suffers from short-termism, and though Mr Adkins has performed minor miracles to turn the organisation around in recent years, culminating in back-to-back promotions, he is by no means exempt from the 'sack race'. Neil Warnock (2012), Chris Hughton (2010) and Billy Davies (2007) will vouch for this, having all been dismissed in controversial circumstances following difficult initiations to the top tier of English football.

One to watch, especially when events unravel as quickly as they do in the sphere of football. But personally, I feel Mr Adkins is one Merseysider who won't be queuing at the Job Centre any time soon.

 Mr Hughes
It's something of a revolving door at Queens Park Rangers, with board room changes, huge turnover in the playing body, and managerial overhaul, all seen in recent seasons. Sparky may only have taken the post on 10 January this year but he's already a comparative veteran of Loftus Road; usurped only by grandfather time, Shaun Derry.

This 'easy come, easy go' mentality must be of concern to Mr Hughes in light of QPR's dismal start. To date, they have yet to win a game in 2012/2013 season, and were unceremoniously dumped out of the Capital C for Cup by Reading.

Despite the lavish overhaul of the first team, QPR's results against their peers haven't been good enough; defeat at the hands of Swansea, the aforementioned result against Reading, and a draw with Norwich, all evidence of this underachievement. The statistics speak for themselves; no club has scored less, and only Southampton conceded more, in the Premiership thus far. In Layman's terms, their defensive is leakier than an excited geriatric, and their attack only marginally less impotent.

Personally, I think Mr Hughes' days at QPR are numbered. Afterall, he has been provided with considerably more financial clout than his competitors, and has benefitted from adequate time at the helm (10 months (9 months longer than the average manager)), yet continues to struggle. Excuses about the board's ambitions, or lacking finances, are clearly not applicable; therefore it can be concluded Sparky simply isn't getting satisfactory results from a team that HE has assembled.

Mr Rodgers
If you are a Liverpool follower that promotes results as the primary objective of the manager, then I fear Mr Rodgers could be trying your patience...  yes, the philosophy of football is endearing, but there won't be many that enjoyed losing to bitter rivals United in gameweek 5; especially on such an emotional occasion. On the day, United were ponderous, unadventurous, and darn-right lucky, BUT the score goes down as 2 - 1 in the Mancunian club's favour.

(Scouse whit at it's best (watch and learn Paul O'Grady!)

In addition to the failure against United, Liverpool have suffered at the hands of Arsenal and West Brom this season, and currently find themselves 14th in the league table. Worse still, until their comprehensive victory over Norwich last weekend, they sat 18th; cue amusing graffiti (see right). It may only be early days, but the poor run Rodgers has overseen, has already put Liverpool a full 11 points adrift of table-topping Chelsea.

Liverpool traditionally give time to their manager (see the 6 years some tubby Spanish waiter was allowed), and as a result, Mr Rodgers is unlikely to be the first Premiership manager out of the door. In addition, the fans are aware that Liverpool's board failed to tie up the signatures of two players that Rodgers desperately wanted to bring in; namely, 'shoot-on-sight' merchant Sigurdsson, and the unkempt Dempsey. Fenway Sports Group's ownership is somewhat controversial at the best of times, and I can not see the justice fuelled Liverpool fans accepting Rodgers' sacking given the boardroom errors.

Rodgers then, a manager under the sort of pressure that can usually only be seen on The Crystal Maze, but not in my mind in immediate jeopardy. If results don't turn around, I'd expect to see Rodgers delving into the January sales and/or recalling Carroll... If that doesn't kick start the scousers, then Mr Rodgers probably won't preside over the full season.

Mr Villas-Boas
Comparable in opinion polls to the coalition, '2 and a half men', the films of Peter Jackson, 60's architecture, punctuation... and small pox, Mr Villas Boas is not going to win many popularity contests amongst fans; especially after the disappointing spell he had at Chelsea.

More concerning perhaps was AVB's effect upon the PFA's members during his first venture into English football. The reports that surfaced from Stamford Bridge during, and following, AVB's departure indicate that his man-management techniques were either idiosyncratic or obsolete. Accounts indicate that many of the more experienced players felt isolated, and this manifested itself in the departures of Alex and Anelka early in AVB's Chelsea reign, and also in Frank Lampard's statement in which he proclaimed that playing under AVB had "not been ideal". The constant rumours of discontent within the camp during his tenure, even reported in reputable press such as The Star, were clearly not without foundation. The concern is that this effect could carry over to the Spurs dressing-room; and The Sun's headline, "Spurs in Turmoil", cannot aid his cause.


Last weekend's win at Old Trafford, Tottenham Hotspur's first since the collapse of the Roman Empire, will have relieved the pressure on the manager a great deal, and AVB's 'drunk uncle at a wedding' celebration highlighted the significance of the achievement. With the tide turning at Spurs, Mr Villas-Boas is now looking like a long shot for the unwanted sack-race title.



Mr Allardyce

Analysing West Ham United's start to the new term you could be forgiven for thinking that Big-Sam has removed his sheepskin jacket, placed his sovereign rings on the rosewood cabinet, slipped his crushed velvet smoking jacket on, and reclined into West Ham's leopard print arm chair for the long haul. However, what you ignore at your peril is that Big-Sam's bosses are pornography magnates Gold and Sullivan; and thus equally as bumptious. Now I'm in no way insinuating that the Hammers owners are 'wide boys', but Gold's father was a convicted east-end gangster (http://theboleyninheritance.wordpress.com/2011/10/03/goldy-the-getaway-driver-and-his-75k-swag/), and Mr Sullivan did a stretch in the 1980's. What's this have to do with football I hear you ask... well, with so many egos (says Jeffrey...) all under one roof, an implosion could be lurking at any board meeting... here today, suing for unfair dismissal tomorrow. For this reason alone Mr Allardyce must be handed a disused potato sack and ushered to the start line.

Returning to on-field matters, West Ham's abysmal showing in the League Cup, a competition Mr Allardyce had suggested was winnable, could also have an effect. The Hammers were crushed 4 - 1 at Upton Park by Wigan Athletic in a performance Allardyce described as "comical" - that's the sort of masochistic mind-set that Gold & Sullivan's retail empire has thrived on the back of.

Despite this disappointing showing in the League cup, West Ham bounced back with victory against fellow relegation candidates QPR on Monday night; they now sit in a very credible 7th spot in the Premiership on 11 points.

In summary, an unlikely candidate on current form, but with the ever looming threat of a board room 'bun-fight', or the fans clamour for Paulo Di Canio to take-over, Mr Allardyce remains a candidate for dismissal.

Mr Pulis
This might seem an unlikely choice given the success that Mr Pulis has brought to Stoke City's 1st XV; but it's worth bearing in mind that Steve Kean has just been relieved of his post at Blackburn Rovers (such was his affinity with the fans that The Samaritans are rumoured to be setting up a hotline). Mr Kean's position at Rovers was generally considered bomb-proof given the success he'd brought to the club (despite the odd abusive outburst at his Director of Football & his former boss, oh, and the small matter of relegation); so to see Mr Kean "forced to resign" will have every manager including Mr Pulis looking over their shoulder.

It's been a rather dreary start to the season for the Potters too, having drawn 4 of their first 6 games; winning one and losing the other to high flying Chelsea. But it's the resoluteness that those draws convey, that consistently drives Stoke City to comfortable mid-table football; and as long as the fans and board are content with that, then Mr Pulis' job is as safe as Gordon Bank's hands. The only reason I can see that Paddy Power have included Mr Pulis, is the possible availability of Graham Henry.

The Best/Worst of the Rest

(Benwell, an affluent suburb of Newcastle -
these mansions are thought to be owned
by posh shandy-drinking Southerners)

Of the residual members of the aforementioned list, Pardew can be totally discounted having just extended his contract by an unprecedented 8 years. How many of those projected years Pardew will actually occupy will remain to be seen (I'm not sure anyone has ever stayed in the city of Newcastle for that long, and certainly not through choice), but he's guaranteed to outstay his competitors.

In addition, and despite having the fearsome Mr Abramovich as his employer, Di Matteo has brought Chelsea their illusive Champions League trophy and begun the new campaign in fine shape. I would only expect to see those with the financial nouse of an RBS investment banker to place their cash on Di Matteo to be the first Premier League manager dismissed.

Paul Lambert and his replacement at Norwich City, Chris Hughton, are also indicated in the shortlist. They are both new to their respective clubs but arrive under differing pressures. Mr Lambert takes over an underachieving Aston Villa outfit, and must burden the expectation levels of the fans; whilst Hughton must continue the great work of Lambert at Delia's Norwich City. Neither have enhanced their new surroundings thus far, and without imminent improvement, their names could soon float to the fore of the rumour pages.

- Where will you be placing your spouse's money?
- Should any other managers be considered?

Thank you for scan reading..
Please share with your enemies

BC
@BobbyCowsill
facebook group - http://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/