The Round-Up March 2014

A month has painfully plodded by since 'If That Had Gone In' last enlightened you with football related news. 

Since then the following mildly interesting happenings have... well, happened.

The League Cup

So easy to predict was the outcome of the Manchester City vs. Sunderland Capital-C for Cup Final that even Nostradamus and a couple of Mayans predicted it correctly - probably.

Any hope that the North East outfit harboured sadly vanished following the unfortunate 'getting-off-the-bus-gate'. Eye witness reports suggest that on arrival at Wembley the likes of John O'Shea and Adam Johnson stepped off the team coach as opposed to the Barcelona squad.

(above: Yaya Toure
at 7 months old)

To be fair to the Mackems they did themselves and their loyal following proud on the day. Their valiant display finally undone by moments of individual genius from City's expensive stars. Yaya Toure - a man so strong he can write his name in concrete whilst passing water - looping a sublime 30 yard strike beyond Mannone to cancel out Fabio Borini's early effort, before goals from Nasri and Navas closed the game out. 3-1 at the final whistle.

The result represents Pellegrini's first silverwear since replacing scarf-wearing, training ground scuffler Roberto Mancini. Eyes will now turn to the potential quadruple domestic treble double.

Robin Van's Spaces

Following Manchester United's now characteristic defeat at the hands of Olympiacos, Robin Van Persie took to Dutch media to voice his disappointment, saying "teammates play where I want to play". Unless I am very much mistaken, Van Persie was selected as a centre forward by United's aging-more-rapidly-than-Robin-Williams-in-Jack manager, David Moyes. Does this mean the Dutch maestro wishes to play centre-back or perhaps even goalkeeper?

Given the numerous glaring misses RVP has produced of late and his apparent unwillingness to break out into a sweat, perhaps Moyes will take the Dutchman up on his offer.

Alan Pardon't

There are many activities considered "badly-liked" (disliked) by the Newcastle United faithful and that if displayed by their leader would simply be unfathomable:-

- being "reet sweir" (tight) in the transfer market.

- being born anywhere considered "poncey" (soft but with homophobic undertones) - such as London

- pushing linesmen around simply because you "dinnet" (do not) agree with their decision - or took objection to their effeminate/"Southern" flag waving.

- squaring up to an elderly statesman of the game; such as Arsene Wenger say.

- crudely celebrating in the face of an opposing manager (even if they do have affiliations with the red and white mob from down the road).

- launching a foul mouthed tirade at a "gadgie" (OAP) that resembles Dave Allen (Pellegrini).

(Pardew - "I wanted just
to ease him away". Newcastle
high street must be quite
 a place when Pardew 
is shopping!)

- signing the nomadic Mekon lookalike, Gabriel Obertan 

Well, congratulations must go out to Alan Pardew who has managed to tick all the above boxes of this unsavoury list and still retain his job... for now.

Pardew's latest misdemeanor - a Romford kiss on an opposing player - leaves the ever popular manager with a stadium ban. 

Pardew duly watched Newcastle's abject display against Fulham on television from an adjacent hotel. A passer-by claims to have seen a 42" Sony Viera fly through the hotel window at around 16.45 hours (+ stoppage time).

This latest blight on Pardew's copy book - exceeding even the signing of Gabriel Obertan as a heinous error - surely leaves his long-term position in the balance. Should Pardew depart, who'll take a risk on a manager with more baggage than a member of TOWIE on an 18-30's holiday in Skegness?

Fit and proper Club Ownership

Carson Yeung, owner of Birmingham City, has been found guilty on 5 counts of money laundering by the Hong Kong courts. The value of the crime is estimated at circa £55m - roughly the equivalent of heating a moderate semi-detached house for a year.  

Given the stringent 'fit and proper owner' test carried out by the FA - in which a man from the FA asks "are you rich?" and the respondent claims "sort of" - this guilty verdict will come as a huge shock to the footballing community. In the same way Joey Barton's last sending off did.

For your attention, and in no way connected to my previous report on unfit owners, the following parties own or have owned English/Welsh football clubs: -

- Alexandre Gaydamak (Portsmouth - a former football club from the south coast)

- Thaksin Shinawatra (Manchester City)

- Venky's London Limited (Blackburn Rovers)

- Vincent Tan (Wales Dragons - as they are presumably now known)

- Ken Richardson (Doncaster Rovers)

- Assem Allam - (The Tigers)

Furthermore, Leeds United owner-in-waiting Massimo Cellino has also found guilty of tax evasion in the Italian courts this week. As a result, he'll be nervously awaiting the powerful, no holes barred response from the FA - or strongly worded fax as it is more commonly known. Given the unique way in which the Italian judicial system is run, don't be surprised to find the decision is over turned following appeal and that Cellino goes on to govern the country. With this in mind, expect to see him chasing Brian McDermott out of Elland Road very soon.

'T-R-O-U-B-L-E'

Celtic and Republic of Ireland striker Anthony 'Fools Rush In' Stokes has been charged with assault on an Elvis impersonator in a Dublin nightspot. Reports suggest Stokes saw the 'Stranger in the Crowd', took objection to the overrated songs and Evel Knievel-ripoff jump suit, before 'Steppin' Out of Line'.

The footballer made no reply to the charge at Dublin District Court and has been remanded on bail, with no conditions, on his own bond of 1,000 euros - a relatively 'Happy Ending'.

Stokes has been told 'He'll have to Go' to court for the hearing on 29 May 2014. In which he'll presumably apologise and claim 'I Feel So Bad' in an attempt to 'Patch It Up'.

Looking for an Heir

(Sidehow Bob- left.
Sideshow Mel- right) 

Barcelona's iconic caveman Carles Puyol has announced that he'll be leaving the Camp Nou in the summer after an incredible 15 years at the club. During his tenure he's played 500+ competitive games, collected 11 major trophies and not once tamed his notorious mop. Epic.

The papers - red tops admittedly - are claiming that his successor will be brought in from abroad rather than promoted from the infamous La Masia Youth Academy.

For follicle continuity, Barcelona's primary target is believed to be Chelsea enigma David Luiz. Coloccini is also a possibility, as are Carlos Valderrama and Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

And Finally...

German clubs have been roundly praised for their fans' vocal backing and their supporter focused structure, but it is not all sunshine and gum-drop smiles in die Vaterland - as Uli Hoeness will testify.

The unsavoury banner below was unveiled during Arsenal's recent clash with Bavarian outfit FC Bayern and was a cheap and distasteful jipe at Mesut Ozil (though utterly inappropriate I must commend the talent on show as the likeness to the Arsenal schemer is uncanny). 

FC Bayern now face disciplinary action from UEFA in this regard.


@BobbyCowsill
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