The Round-Up September 2014

- Double Denim

(above: A typically well attended Serie A game in which
the overzealous Carabinieri rival the fans in numbers)

It's undeniable; Italian football was more entertaining in the 1990's - by which I mean it was enjoyable in the 90s. The stadia had a splattering of fans (upwards of 10 for a derby game), the world's premier players were flocking to the league's cash rich clubs and the likes of Juventus and the two Milan giants were perennial contenders on the European stage. 

If that wasn't enough, James Richardson hosted a suarve cafe based show for Channel 4 called "Football Italia" which focused primarily on Roberto Baggio or the latest misdemeanor by one of the Brits abroad (Gascoigne, Platt, Ince et al). Not only was the show effortlessly cool, it also spawned the undisputed king of intros - complete with playground phenomena "Golaccio!"... which everyone assumed was "Goooooooooooal Lazio". Hey ho.

None of the aforementioned moderately 'interesting' things about Serie A are ever likely to make a return - insert sad-face emoticon - but that hasn't stopped a teary and nostalgic Napoli trying their best to do a Cher ("Turn Back Time"). I mean, what's more 90's than wearing blue denim on the bottom half - and wait for it - blue denim on the top half as well? ...[Apart from Liam Gallagher's hair do] absolutely nothing! Well, behold this symphony of double denim...

It's like Britney and Justin, Robbie Williams, Jean-Claude Van Damme and a neo-post-Neighbours Kylie all rolling into one! And who wouldn't want that!? (everybody aside). 

In a further ode to bygone days the city of Naples has made itself home to 1000's of battered up Fiat Cinquecento's, organised crime (Camorra) and Rafael Benitez - the latter is unforgivable.  

- Manchester United Goal of the Month

Ignoring the fact that a yard is an imperial measurement of length as opposed to unit of speed, Wayne Rooney has lost a yard of pace - having started with approximately a yard of a pace - and faced hefty criticism from some quarters as a result. 

But the rum Liverpudlian has had the last laugh - and not because he's watched Rio's World Cup Wind-Ups again. No, Manchester United's number 10 collected the club's highly coveted goal of the month award for an eminently stoppable non-aerial overhead kick from within the 6 yard box against Swansea (see picture below). This forgettable strike pipped Mata's tap-in at the Stadium of Light in what turned out to be a close two-horse race... two-horse because the Red Devils only mustered two goals in total. 

Nonetheless, congratulations Wayne you've really shown them! (Though for the record, Mata's goal was more impressive and you have subsequently been sent off).  

(Above: manutd.com reporting Rooney's inevitable "accolade")

- Life After Football

At this time of year there's always reports of recently retired players "missing the game" - some even get so fidgety they retire from retirement in order to sign up with Solva AFC in Pembrokeshire League Division Two (Simon Davies) or Market Drayton Town in Northern Premier League Division One South (Pascal Chimbonda 2013).

I've heard many a former player discuss the difficulty in adapting to life 'outside the dressing-room', as if they've been institutionalised. They talk of the changing-room tomfoolery ('da bants') and become misty-eyed as they recite the first time the 'Archbishop of Banterbury' or the 'Bantersaurus Rex' defecated in their kit bag. Smiles spread across their faces as - with the comic timing of a dyslexic Chubby Brown impersonator -  they weave an anecdote about how the club captain used to have a pop at the trainee players' mothers [knowing sigh].

After such obvious hilarity how can you expect a wealthy father deep into his 30s and married to a beauty therapist to settle back into 'normal' society. It's the equivalent of going cold-turkey after 20 years chasing the dragon! 

I propose therefore that wives need to be the proverbial Methadone... slowly coaxing their partners off the 'Banter-bus'.

Perhaps during the Community Shield weekend the respective WAG could let off some fireworks in the en-suite at 3am or shave a Millwall badge into the dog (that's not a euphemism)..? Just to ease the player's anxiety and make him feel like 'one of the boys' again. Then as time progresses and heals, the given player may be able to cope with a small daily wee on his Sugar Puffs or even just having his Ferrari ruined by air-rifle pellets. Then when he's ready, he may go free into the world and do something meaningful with his 50 years of retirement and limitless wealth.

Who knows, perhaps the former player concerned won't feel such an overwhelming urge to butcher the English language on my overpriced satellite subscription or open another football themed public house!?

God-speed WAGS everywhere!

- Ian Wronged, Wronged, Wronged

Whilst Ian Wright was earning megabucks sunning himself on Copacabana beach for ITV, some rapscallion was ransacking his home in London! A truly sickening act of a collaboration of cowards and degenerates ( http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/ian-wright-burgled-knifewielding-robbers-stole-pundits-mbe-9551089.html ).

Sadly, not only did these individuals cause great distress to Wright and his family they also stole a number of Wright's prized possessions; including his MBE! 

The former Arsenal man has since vowed not to let the perpetrators "get away with it".

In true police style, a spokesperson from Scotland Yard followed up with, "This whole affair is an absolute mystery... how did Ian Wright get awarded an MBE?"  

 - Dave Hockaday Football Manager

("The manager you say!?")

This summer saw the - lets say - "surprising" appointment of former Cirencester Town right-back and Forest Green Rovers boss, David Hockaday, as Leeds United manager on a 2-year deal. Given the enormity of the job at Leeds and the relative stature of the new man in comparison, I feel it would be fascinating to keep abreast of his progress. As a result, I intend to make this a regular segment on ITHGI. 

Hockaday has been sacked.

Much to the surprise of literally no one, Hockaday was sacked by the 'fit and proper' owner of Leeds United on 28 August after a whopping 4 league games in charge - clearly ample time to prove himself.

Here ends this regular feature. 

(*discussions are underway about creating a similar column for Alan Irvine or Billy McKinlay)

@BobbyCowsill
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