The Round-Up 29 November 2012

(the definitive Mo for Movember
- though I fear he may have raised
awareness of same sex relationships as
opposed to male health)

You won't be surprised to learn that the story dominating this week's football headlines has been Michael Owen's outrageous, 'I wear buttless chaps at the discotheque on a Friday night' style, mustache. The monstrosity, seen left, was thrust into the national gaze by his appearance on Sky Sports' Champions League coverage of match day five. I recall a certain air of disbelief filled my local drinking establishment as the broadcaster's cameras panned round to reveal Owen's hair ravished philtrum for the first time. Further, you could witness the withering of other rival facial shrubbery, and the associated wedding vegetables, adorned by many of the locals... Michael Owen, a man who until Wednesday week had been rumoured pre-pubescent, was now the shining beacon of manliness (I imagine a certain brown condiment company will be in touch imminently).

Unfortunately for Owen though, his valiant hair growing attempts appear to have been in vain, Chelski instead plumping for the textbook goatee fashioned by full-time waiter and aspirational manager Rafa Benitez (seemless continuity link there). The Spaniard replaces one time wonder-maker Roberto Di Matteo, ironically a victim of poor Champions League form, at the helm of Roman Abramovich's Chelski; and that, I'm told, is a FACT.

Mr Benitez, the once, or possibly current, sworn enemy of the Stamford Bridge faithful, was reported in Chelski's pre-match programme to have taken the poisoned chalice as "interim first-team manager" -Abramovich likely to resume his long-term pursuit of Pep Guardiola as the season draws to a close.

(Di Matteo again finds himself
out of work despite bringing success
to a club, and in spite of his
popularity amongst fans) 

Now I appreciate many high profile managerial vacancies have come and gone (predominately at Chelsea!) since Benitez parted company with Internazionale in December 2010; however, surely Chelski's blunt admission is an insult to a man who guided Valencia to two La Liga titles, and a UEFA Cup; as well as helping Houllier's Liverpool 'smash and grab' the Champions League in 2005.

To irritate Benitez further, the reception he received from Chelski's supporters during their game with Manchester City on Sunday was audibly, and unmistakeably, hostile - despite Benitez's post-match claims that he "had not heard" the boos (whilst simultaneously dabbing his eyes with a tissue from his second box of floral scented Kleenex). Still not satisfied with their new boss' mental state, in the 16th minute of the game, the aforementioned fans morphed in a manner popularised by Robert Louis Stevenson, from a raging animal, into a placid and sombre collective, in order to show respect and gratitude to the outgoing Di Matteo (formerly Chelsea's no.16).

(A jibe at comments Benitez made
about Chelsea during his
Liverpool tenure)

Di Matteo was not alone however in his race to Job Centre Plus on Monday morning; Mark Hughes, having been relieved of his position at lowly Queens Park Rangers, was following on behind - as his side have been all season. With 13 games gone (one since his dismissal), Hughes' former men have managed to nearly win a grand total of... A game. This frankly Derby-esque level of futility has left the club from West London seven points adrift of safety, and bottom of the Premier League (even behind Liverpool!). Sparky's replacement and the man drafted in to evade relegation, amongst other things, is 'if that had gone in, it would have been a goal' regular 'Arry Redknapp. Redknapp has already been observed conducting the obligatory drive-by interview through a wound down window; and heard building up the enormity of the job (only Harry Houdini and Redknapp himself can save them apparently)... we await the familiar yet obscure "top top" loan signings... Jorge Mendes will be rubbing his hands together.

Reverting to this weekend's disappointments, assuming that Redknapp's return to football isn't one, it's worth noting that none of the previous candidates; Benitez, Di Matteo, Hughes, Chelski's alienated fans etc, actually win the accolade for the week's most disgruntled entity. All are thoroughly usurped by a Japanese journalist hoping to attend the summit clash in Scotchland's mighty fourth tier...

So miserable was this man's plight that The Daily Mail even took time out of their busy scaremongering schedule to report the story, "Daisuke Nakajima packed his bags, booked his tickets and began a 6000 mile journey from Tokyo to Moray to watch the Ibrox giants [Rangers] take on Elgin City in the Third Division. But, after a 14 hour flight, an overnight stay in Edinburgh and a five-hour journey, it was only as his train was a few miles from Elgin's Borough Briggs football ground that he realised the game had been called off".

With no air of smugness whatsoever, I refer you to a previous blog post (Nostradamus eat your heart out!):-
http://bobbycowsill.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/follow-follow-on-we-all-follow-team-12.htmlh

(Nakajima shown above - it's
alleged this photo was taken on
the red carpet during the premier
 of 1984 film Karate Kid in which
he starred (still not there??)...
as Mr Miyagi)

It's clear that Mr Nakajima is NOT one of my regular four readers, as though the above report was an excuse to extract the Michael from the lower echelons of Scottish 'football', it did highlight a genuine concern I harboured prior to Rangers demotion... a fear that last weekend became a reality.

Mr Nakajima, along with several thousand other expectant spectators, was turned away from the Moray ground due to security worries. Elgin City Football Club, a club that usually caters for two home fans and their carers, seemingly incapable of coping with the demands of hosting a well followed outfit such as the 'Gers. Subsequent reports have revealed that the home ticket office allowed sales to exceed the ground's maximum capacity by circa 25% (meaning they sold 5 tickets I assume), forcing authorities to pull the plug last minute. The host's punishment for this logistical error has been a £25,000 fine, an order to pay Ranger's expenses, and the equivalent of an ostrich size egg on the face. Still, it's not all negative for those affiliated with Elgin... at least their team avoided the inevitable pasting; AND, given that the region contains the world famous Malt Whisky Trail, no one will remember the incident by now anyway!

Thanks for reading (scrolling to the bottom of) this article.
I would REALLY appreciate any feedback, and please please pass it on if you enjoyed it.
Thanks again.
BC
Twitter: @BobbyCowsill
Facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/

The Olympic Stadium, London

I understand that 'if that had gone in, it would have been a goal' is advertised as a football blog, and that my readership (a fella named Dave) demands that it remains so; therefore I must open by informing you that this piece will eventually stumble upon the topic (a bit).

In the meantime...
Reports last week revealed that London's mop topped mayor, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, has been in talks with the National Football League (NFL) over the potential for the London Olympic Stadium to host the most un-Olympic of sports - and I don't mean Boris' much championed 'wiff-waff'. The proposal from Senior NFL officials (seen below) provisionally includes the staging of NFL regular season american football games at the Olympic Stadium, with exploration into the formation of a London franchise to be undertaken (presumably named 'The Allies'). Before you grab for the brown paper bag, I must clarify that though discussions have been "encouraging", they are still very primitive in nature and described only as "exploratory".

(presumably taken during negotiations -
Boris can be seen 3 from the right)

Still, the whole affair baffles me... I mean how on Boris' glistening wet otter ridden, picaninnies inhabited, zoink of an Earth did the NFL officials have any idea what was actually said during these liaisons?  and furthermore, does BoJo actually know what he's signing his beloved capital up for? The glitzy and brash 'Gridiron' would have been somewhat usurped by rugger, fives, pony club trails, and homoeroticism, during his Etonion and Balliol days.

I appreciate the interest from State-side: to expand the global audience, and generate obese quantities of dollar - much as the Premiership has been doing over there. Afterall, it's been a disappointingly successful experiment at the home of football (no, not the Sports Direct Arena), in which on all six occasions, NFL match-ups have sold out Wembley; something the national association football team regularly fails to do. In fact, such has been the popularity of these events, that London has even been touted as "the natural home of American Football outside the United States" - the UK being the obvious choice given our appreciation of US culture, lack of domestically developed sports, proximity to NFL HQ, and overall aptitude for the game - Clearly, Canada doesn't fit the bill. Overall though, where does this proposition, or unguarded economics in general, fit into the British legacy of the games?

(Barry Hearn: Leyton Orient Chairman
  & agent provocateur to Ronnie O' Sullivan)

It has been well publicised that securing the Olympic Stadium's future has, and continues to be, fraught with trouble; however have politicians become so desperate they we need to sell(out) abroad? THE beautiful game, a game which we Brits actually shared with the world (stupidly), has been desperate for a new facility in London for a number of years. Tottenham Hotspur, West Ham United, and Leyton Orient (famed as one of the biggest clubs in Leyton; and something to do with their owner), have all expressed a desire to take up residency.

I am not endorsing any particular football club's bid, however I do support the overall ideology. Football is much more in keeping with the Games' legacy than 60 overweight men, laden with pads and paychecks, chasing a peculiar shaped ball for 60 mins; but at 20 second intervals. Let's be frank, nothing is more steeped in modern British culture than football, and as the Olympics were presented as the essence of contemporary British-ness (thank you Mr Boyle (not Frankie)), there's an argument to say they should stay that way. I appreciate that this intangible notion of national identity is dated, but many, as I do, believe this summer's games captured 'it' (what ever 'it' is) - i'm hoping Russell Brand's eccentric performance was the exception.

Opinion will doubtless be divided on this subject (it may apply to both aforementioned items but i'm currently referring to the Games' legacy, not Russell Brand), but the Olympic stadium has the chance to remain a sanctity of sport, quintessentially British, and opposed to yet further bland corporatism (I appreciate the World's biggest McDonalds was/is sited in Olympic Park) - A national treasure in the mould of Dublin's Croke Park perhaps? Wembley, the Millenium Dome, as well as countless other venues, have all bowed to financial might; hosting gigs, concerts, NFL and so on... and I see no reason for this to discontinue, afterall I do understand the financial necessity in doing so. But surely this market is saturated now!? can there really be sufficient demand to support a further globalised arena in London? There must be a risk the Olympic Stadium would only be stealing business away from incumbent facilities that have become so dependent on it; and thus there MAY even be an economic argument for limiting the Olympic arena's additional usage.

West Ham United's proposal as a multi-purpose sports facility is favourite to win out when the final decision is delivered in December; and given correct additional usage and sanctity of the stadium name (no one wants to see the 'Mates Condoms Arena'), this could be an appropriate outcome. A club that represents East London would be guaranteed it's base in the East-End; and, in addition, the retention of the athletics track would provide a high-profile athletics arena going forward, as well as retain an ounce of the spirit of the games...

BUT I do not think it fitting, or in keeping with the legacy, to see this diluted by nightly performances from P-Diddley & his hippedy-hop cronies, or by Janet Jackson exposing her wobbley bits.. and as for NFL, "there's a guy called Mitt Romney who wants to know whether we're ready, are we ready? No we're*insert profanity* not!".

I would appreciate your feedback on this self-indulgent splurge... please provide writing to the details below.

BC
Twitter: @BobbyCowsill
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/