Football Obituaries

I should start by explaining that no one relevant was actually harmed prior to the writing of this piece, and that the above title was chosen only to conjure up mild levels of intrigue.  As a result, if any subsequent 'mishaps' are to occur I must point out that they are merely an unfortunate coincidence... 

It has been an extraordinary past month or so in British football - as one would expect at the conclusion of the domestic season - only this time the major interest has actually been away from the island of well pruned grass...

For a significant group of the football following public, especially those 20 somethings, the past few weeks have felt like the end of an era, even the end of THEIR era; Beckham's lob over Neil Sullivan from the half-way line, Michael Owen's wonder goal against Argentina in '98, Paul Scholes' mis-timed tackles, and Jamie Carragher's numerous own goals, weaved into the very fabric of their lives and played out in their anecdotes. Yet, all those mentioned (bar Neil Sullivan) bowed out last weekend; and all in a typically professional and dignified manner.. characteristics that seem all to rare amongst the hard-partying, Ferrari driving, wife-swapping players who now step into their enormous shoes. So, though the players themselves live on in decadent Cheshire mansions, a large portion of British pop-culture died last weekend!

There was however one story demanding the limelight even from the sporting royalty aforementioned! The impending retirement of a man who began his tenure at United when the above detailed fans were still on Farley's Rusks or even just a twinkle in the postman's eye... Step up Sir Alex Ferguson...
The story was sparked into life on the evening of Tuesday 7 May 2013 when rumblings of Sir Alex's impeding resignation leaked from Dunham

(the moment Rooney heard the news)

Forest Golf Club (where United's playing staff were enjoying a day off), enveloped Twitter, and finally washed up in black and white print on the pages of The Telegraph (congratulations Mark Ogden). The inevitable media frenzy that continued throughout the evening and long into the early hours was met by an uncharacteristic silence from the PR machine within Old Trafford - stakeholders had that sinking feeling...

The morning's news would be blockbuster.. Manchester United confirming at 09:17, through their website, that Sir Alex was to hang up the hairdryer and cancel the Wrigley's subscription at the end of the season. Cue football meltdown!

(The Sun's ode to Sir Alex - Thurs 9 May 2013)

The days that followed saw a who's who of association football, wider sport, and politics, paying their respects to a man that has won an incredible 49 senior trophies over an unparalleled 39 year career in Scotland and England: -

"Sir Alex Ferguson's achievements at Manchester United have been exceptional" (PM David Cameron)

"It is the end of an era for a truly great ambassador, not only for the Premier League but for football overall" (Patrick Vieira)

"Well done and happy retirement to Sir Alex. What he has done will never be repeated" (Dietmar Hamann)

"Sir Alex, one of the best managers of all time" (Vincent Kompany)

"A legend and one of the greatest managers ever" (Michael Essien)

"Proud man, great manager, staunch Labour Party supporter" (Ed Miliband Tweeting 25 relevant characters)

However all this lip service, as flattering as it must be, pales in significance vastly when it's compared to the incredible scenes of Sir Alex's final home game in charge; and to the health & safety defying open-top bus parade the following day. They say a picture speaks a thousand words and on this particular occasion I'll shut my proverbial trap as I couldn't agree more: -

*Property of Bobby Cowsill

(There's no United fans in Manchester!)

The pictures above portray the admiration with which Sir Alex is held by the United faithful and the love that they feel towards a man who has influenced their lives so greatly over the past quarter of a century. 

But it's not only United that will feel his loss! The fiery Scot's exit from the dugout will leave a huge void in British football generally; journalists hang off his every word, opposing fans love to hate him, and the esteem in which he's held globally attracts vast interest to the Premier League. In addition, and this MUST not be forgotten.. he introduced "squeaky bum time" to the national vocabulary- Dr Johnson would have been proud. 

Dubbed the "Godfather" of British football: sometimes feared, occasionally hated, but overwhelmingly respected by all; Sir Alex is a one of kind! His legacy, along with those of the players outlined in my opening gambit, will live long with the football masses.. all will be sadly missed! Retire In Peace...

Here's a summary of the great professionals that have left our game in recent weeks: -

• Sir Alex Ferguson - 1500 games in charge of United.
• David "Golden Balls" Beckham - capped 115 times for England
• Jamie Carragher - 737 games for Liverpool
• Michael Owen - I actually thought he'd retired years ago..
• Paul Scholes - "Scholes is a role model model for me.. he's the best midfielder I've seen in the last 15/20 years" (Xavi, Barcelona)
• Phil Neville - has yet to officially confirm that he's hung his boots up but another of Manchester United's infamous class of '92 likely to follow Sir Alex.
• Stilian Petrov - tragic! get well soon Stan!
• Filippo Inzaghi - okay, I went too far! anyone who celebrates like that after a one yard scuff into the net should not be thought of in such high regard..

There are many many more.. so please feel free to add your retiring hero to the comments below! We'd love to hear from you!

Thank you for reading

please follow @BobbyCowsill

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David Moyes' Red & White Army

David Moyes agrees a 6 year contract at Manchester United

Finally it has been confirmed, the worst kept secret since the notorious injunction scandal - David Moyes WILL be closing Moe's Tavern to take the reins at Old Trafford. The current Everton boss will step into the enormous shoes vacated, not by Sideshow Bob, but by Sir Alex Ferguson at the end of the season, following the announcement on Wednesday morning that Sir Alex would retire to the plush decor of the Manchester United board room.

(Above: Moyes (left) in deep
conversation with Sam Allardyce (right))

But is David Moyes the right man for such an esteemed and pressured post?

Evertonians will vouch for the stability and economic understanding that Moyes demonstrated during his 11 year tenure on Merseyside, and his departure from Goodison is likely to be met with the sort of anxiety their Manchester neighbours will be feeling about his impending arrival. Consistent top half finishes in the Premier League (averaging 8th), along with shrewd business off the pitch (would you expect anything else from our cousins north of Hadrian's Wall?), the perfect blend for a team whose financial situation under Bill Kenwright has always been a delicate balancing act.

But the removal of the perennial relegation threat, and the bridging of the gulf between Everton and neighbours Liverpool, has not been enough to satisfy all on the blue side of Stanley Park. The void in silverware brought about by profligate performances on the big stage and/or against the traditional "big 4" a constant bone of contention (in 43 away ties against the 3 big clubs, and Liverpool, Everton have won a grand total of zero). In addition, the Toffees rare excursions into Europe have ended more abruptly than an X-Factor[y] winner's career: -

- 2005/2006 Champions League Qualifying Stage
- 2005/2006 1st UEFA Cup Qualifying Round
- 2007/2008 UEFA Cup last 16
- 2008/2009 1st UEFA Cup Round Proper
- 2009/2010 1st UEFA Cup Knock-Out Round

*It is worth noting that included in the results above are a humiliating defeat at the hands of Dinamo Bucharest, and also a 3 - 0 thumping by Sporting Lisbon.

This lack of European success, and the deficiency in exposure and overall experience it has created, is something the Old Trafford faithful will scrutinise over the next few months; especially if Moyes' occupancy has a spluttering start (as Everton's seasons under his stewardship have tended to).

Sadly, and as controversial as this statement may be, Sir Alex's record will be forever tinged by European mishaps - having dominated domestically for 20 years, Manchester United have managed [just] two Champions League successes under the fiery Scot (The Cup Winners' Cup triumph of 1991 pre-dating their domestic superiority).

(Fergie couldn't be happier...
unless it was filled with scotch)

On a standalone basis, two victories in the world's premier club competition is a sensational achievement for a body who had only 1 previous success in 1968. However, when you consider that Chelsea and Liverpool each won a respective Champions League trophy during this period questions have to be asked; a matter exacerbated further when you consider that the last two decades are ill-thought of by those associated with Liverpool. Did Manchester United under Sir Alex Ferguson really 'make hay whilst the sun shined'?

United's near misses still linger on the terraces like the stale air in a care home; as I am sure they do with the outgoing manager.. cast your mind back to the following nearly moments (in no particular order; except chronological): -

• Borussia Dortmund 1997
• Monaco 1998
• Bayer Leverkusen 2002
• FC Porto 2004
• FC Bayern 2010
• 2 x Champions League Final defeats at the hands of Barcelona

In addition, there was this season's disappointing exit at the hands of Mourinho's Real Madrid; Sir Alex's post match reaction the first clear indication that his days in charge of the reds may be numbered.

Having now reached their 20th English League Championship, and comprehensively "knocked Liverpool off their [domestic] Perch", the aforementioned results again turn a spotlight on the clubs natural progression; to overhaul their bitter North-West rival's European record.

The appointment of a successor "cut from the same cloth as Sir Alex [Ferguson] and Sir Matt [Busby]", as Moyes is considered to be (presumably not just because he comes from Glasgow), is the continuation of a project that has seen extraordinary domestic achievement, a focus on youth development, and stringent financial budgeting; but with only a splattering of European glory. Is this enough for an entity that openly presents itself as 'The World's Biggest Football Club' ( presumably putting them on a collision course with the Venky's)?

Taking the above into account, focus may have shifted from national to European competition amongst many of United's fans, as it has amongst top players and much of the media as a whole - perhaps portrayed most tangibly by Arsenal's all out assault on 4th place each season. The installation then of a man with a European CV emptier than a Hollywood movie script begins to show an apparent shortsightedness on Manchester United's behalf - a domestic single-mindedness in an ever increasingly globalised game.

This issue is furthered by enquiries into whether brand 'Moyes' is appealing enough to the calibre of player United are, or ought to be, seeking to employ if they are to progress further in domestic cup competition and on the continent; the likes of Ronaldo, Lewandowski... Ali Dia. On numerous occasions, especially in the high profile, high pressure ties, the 1st XI have come up shorter than Danny DeVito (Chelsea, Madrid, City all this term); and I'm of the opinion that only elite players can rectify this insufficiency. Though the Premier League encapsulates much of the world, David Moyes is a relative unheard of in terms of European and global football, and this is sure to impact on recruitment.

Take Lewandowski as a working example: -
Having scored a stunning hattrick-&-one against Real Madrid in the Champions League Semi-Finals, Lewandowski has been courted by a number of Europe's elite clubs; Bayern, Chelsea and naturally United all heavily linked with him. But with Guardiola 'manager-in-waiting' at Bayern, and Mourinho likely to put pen-to-paper in a deal that will see him return to the club where "he is loved"; does Moyes have the clout to compete? Instinct tells me 'no'. Mourinho and Guardiola are hugely respected figures both with playing professionals and footballing stakeholders in general; the assumption being that silverware is guaranteed by them [albeit at any cost]. David Moyes is seen as a project, risk if you prefer, even by many who should be his most hardened backers.

Of those believers, polls in the lead up to his appointment indicate the majority will be from within the club's inner sanctum; Mourinho the apparent fans choice. This suggests Moyes will be allowed adequate time by those internally, but the acid test will be the fans reaction - a large portion of which will not remember seeing another face in the dugout.. not alone understand the difficulties facing the new man (spoiled as United fans have been under Sir Alex). If on field affairs do not run smoothly these issues could surface quickly and derail the new manager before he's even developed a taste for post match fine wines. Rumours of Phil Neville's impeding appointment as part of Moyes' backroom staff may help to alleviate a degree of this pressure however.

It is worth concluding by pointing out the glaringly obvious: - The appointment of David Moyes is not the rash, panic move of a desperate board, but the implementation of a long standing contingency plan. It is common knowledge that Sir Alex enjoys a strong relationship with David Moyes which has seen the elder statesman provide advice and counsel in the past. There may be numerous worries surrounding the appointment, a selection of which I have detailed, but in Sir Alex, David Moyes has an influential ally, and the prospect of a partnership between the two could be formidable.

In addition, the presence of numerous former players throughout the club, and a settled behind the scenes outfit from grass-roots to boardroom level, means all the infrastructure is in place for a seamless transition and the resulting success.

Expect a period of transition given the mass 'changing of the guard'...

1. Sir Alex Ferguson's Managerial retirement
2. David Gill's resignation as Chief Executive 
3. Paul Scholes' impending retirement take II 
4. and the probable exit of Wayne Rooney given his transfer request and the 2008 libel action between his publisher and Mr Moyes over comments made in Rooney's biography. 

....but these are factors any 'newbie', including Mourinho, would struggle to overcome. Patience may be required, but that might just be Manchester United's greatest attribute.

The king is dead (well he isn't), long live the king

@BobbyCowsill

The Round-Up 29 November 2012

(the definitive Mo for Movember
- though I fear he may have raised
awareness of same sex relationships as
opposed to male health)

You won't be surprised to learn that the story dominating this week's football headlines has been Michael Owen's outrageous, 'I wear buttless chaps at the discotheque on a Friday night' style, mustache. The monstrosity, seen left, was thrust into the national gaze by his appearance on Sky Sports' Champions League coverage of match day five. I recall a certain air of disbelief filled my local drinking establishment as the broadcaster's cameras panned round to reveal Owen's hair ravished philtrum for the first time. Further, you could witness the withering of other rival facial shrubbery, and the associated wedding vegetables, adorned by many of the locals... Michael Owen, a man who until Wednesday week had been rumoured pre-pubescent, was now the shining beacon of manliness (I imagine a certain brown condiment company will be in touch imminently).

Unfortunately for Owen though, his valiant hair growing attempts appear to have been in vain, Chelski instead plumping for the textbook goatee fashioned by full-time waiter and aspirational manager Rafa Benitez (seemless continuity link there). The Spaniard replaces one time wonder-maker Roberto Di Matteo, ironically a victim of poor Champions League form, at the helm of Roman Abramovich's Chelski; and that, I'm told, is a FACT.

Mr Benitez, the once, or possibly current, sworn enemy of the Stamford Bridge faithful, was reported in Chelski's pre-match programme to have taken the poisoned chalice as "interim first-team manager" -Abramovich likely to resume his long-term pursuit of Pep Guardiola as the season draws to a close.

(Di Matteo again finds himself
out of work despite bringing success
to a club, and in spite of his
popularity amongst fans) 

Now I appreciate many high profile managerial vacancies have come and gone (predominately at Chelsea!) since Benitez parted company with Internazionale in December 2010; however, surely Chelski's blunt admission is an insult to a man who guided Valencia to two La Liga titles, and a UEFA Cup; as well as helping Houllier's Liverpool 'smash and grab' the Champions League in 2005.

To irritate Benitez further, the reception he received from Chelski's supporters during their game with Manchester City on Sunday was audibly, and unmistakeably, hostile - despite Benitez's post-match claims that he "had not heard" the boos (whilst simultaneously dabbing his eyes with a tissue from his second box of floral scented Kleenex). Still not satisfied with their new boss' mental state, in the 16th minute of the game, the aforementioned fans morphed in a manner popularised by Robert Louis Stevenson, from a raging animal, into a placid and sombre collective, in order to show respect and gratitude to the outgoing Di Matteo (formerly Chelsea's no.16).

(A jibe at comments Benitez made
about Chelsea during his
Liverpool tenure)

Di Matteo was not alone however in his race to Job Centre Plus on Monday morning; Mark Hughes, having been relieved of his position at lowly Queens Park Rangers, was following on behind - as his side have been all season. With 13 games gone (one since his dismissal), Hughes' former men have managed to nearly win a grand total of... A game. This frankly Derby-esque level of futility has left the club from West London seven points adrift of safety, and bottom of the Premier League (even behind Liverpool!). Sparky's replacement and the man drafted in to evade relegation, amongst other things, is 'if that had gone in, it would have been a goal' regular 'Arry Redknapp. Redknapp has already been observed conducting the obligatory drive-by interview through a wound down window; and heard building up the enormity of the job (only Harry Houdini and Redknapp himself can save them apparently)... we await the familiar yet obscure "top top" loan signings... Jorge Mendes will be rubbing his hands together.

Reverting to this weekend's disappointments, assuming that Redknapp's return to football isn't one, it's worth noting that none of the previous candidates; Benitez, Di Matteo, Hughes, Chelski's alienated fans etc, actually win the accolade for the week's most disgruntled entity. All are thoroughly usurped by a Japanese journalist hoping to attend the summit clash in Scotchland's mighty fourth tier...

So miserable was this man's plight that The Daily Mail even took time out of their busy scaremongering schedule to report the story, "Daisuke Nakajima packed his bags, booked his tickets and began a 6000 mile journey from Tokyo to Moray to watch the Ibrox giants [Rangers] take on Elgin City in the Third Division. But, after a 14 hour flight, an overnight stay in Edinburgh and a five-hour journey, it was only as his train was a few miles from Elgin's Borough Briggs football ground that he realised the game had been called off".

With no air of smugness whatsoever, I refer you to a previous blog post (Nostradamus eat your heart out!):-
http://bobbycowsill.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/follow-follow-on-we-all-follow-team-12.htmlh

(Nakajima shown above - it's
alleged this photo was taken on
the red carpet during the premier
 of 1984 film Karate Kid in which
he starred (still not there??)...
as Mr Miyagi)

It's clear that Mr Nakajima is NOT one of my regular four readers, as though the above report was an excuse to extract the Michael from the lower echelons of Scottish 'football', it did highlight a genuine concern I harboured prior to Rangers demotion... a fear that last weekend became a reality.

Mr Nakajima, along with several thousand other expectant spectators, was turned away from the Moray ground due to security worries. Elgin City Football Club, a club that usually caters for two home fans and their carers, seemingly incapable of coping with the demands of hosting a well followed outfit such as the 'Gers. Subsequent reports have revealed that the home ticket office allowed sales to exceed the ground's maximum capacity by circa 25% (meaning they sold 5 tickets I assume), forcing authorities to pull the plug last minute. The host's punishment for this logistical error has been a £25,000 fine, an order to pay Ranger's expenses, and the equivalent of an ostrich size egg on the face. Still, it's not all negative for those affiliated with Elgin... at least their team avoided the inevitable pasting; AND, given that the region contains the world famous Malt Whisky Trail, no one will remember the incident by now anyway!

Thanks for reading (scrolling to the bottom of) this article.
I would REALLY appreciate any feedback, and please please pass it on if you enjoyed it.
Thanks again.
BC
Twitter: @BobbyCowsill
Facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/

The Premiership Sack Race 2012/2013

(I realise this is out of date however the designer is considerably more adept at photoshop than I am!
 - thanks whoever you are (unless you're a traffic warden or Diego Simeone))

The 2012/2013 season is still very much in its infancy and many backroom staff members will be finding their feet and/or adjusting to new surroundings...

What better time then for the chairman of the club to dust off the P45 forms (or more likely replenish the depleted stocks) and clear out the off-field personnel?  – some of which will have had no interaction with, and hence no influence what-so-ever on, the mal-practicing 1st XI (victims instead of considerably cheaper redundancy terms).

(Mr Pulis. The customary glasses
and baseball cap combo -
don't try this at home)

Though we all feel great sadness when the likes of the U-14 assistant coach gets laid off, the sole focus of this article will be the snappily dressed (Mr Pulis aside), pace-maker installed, managers of the Premier League.

With 6 games played per team (15.7894..% of the season no less!) if you’re not flying high, or your chairman is Mike Ashley, then it could be time for the chop. But who is going to win this year’s wooden spoon award for the first managerial casualty/exit through 'mutual consent'?

Here are Patrick Power’s main contenders as at 24 September 2012 (I must advise you that equally Irish bookmakers are also available): -

Nigel Adkins 3/1

Mark Hughes 4/1

Brendan Rodgers 5/1

Andre Villas-Boas 5/1

Sam Allardyce 6/1

Tony Pulis 10/1

Chris Hughton 14/1

Roberto Di Matteo 16/1

Paul Lambert 16/1

Alan Pardew 25/1

Mr Adkins

It will come as no surprise to you, that the bookmakers are rarely wrong; we've all put a 403 game accumulator bet down that looks like a sure thing, despite the bookie issuing odds of circa 7,800,000 /1... and have we won? No of course we *insert French word here* haven't! We wouldn't be sat here reading/writing this drivel if we had!

With the above in mind, Mr Adkins ought to start padding out his Curriculum Vitae with some voluntary work, and/or by retaking his cycle proficiency, because the people in 'the know' have predicted his cushy Premiership post may be about to end... it's even been muttered that ex-Portsmouth, Southampton, and Portsmouth manager 'Arry Redknapp may be in line to replace him.

As my previous release of 20 September outlined, Southampton, despite record breaking spending, are favourites for relegation - you may recall that only Lyndsey Lohan's breakdown was more widely predicted. When any side begins to struggle, as Southampton invariably will, then the manager's position comes under the spotlight. This will be accentuated further by the significant bank rolling of the Chairman Nicola Cortese in the off-season.

As you are aware, football suffers from short-termism, and though Mr Adkins has performed minor miracles to turn the organisation around in recent years, culminating in back-to-back promotions, he is by no means exempt from the 'sack race'. Neil Warnock (2012), Chris Hughton (2010) and Billy Davies (2007) will vouch for this, having all been dismissed in controversial circumstances following difficult initiations to the top tier of English football.

One to watch, especially when events unravel as quickly as they do in the sphere of football. But personally, I feel Mr Adkins is one Merseysider who won't be queuing at the Job Centre any time soon.

 Mr Hughes
It's something of a revolving door at Queens Park Rangers, with board room changes, huge turnover in the playing body, and managerial overhaul, all seen in recent seasons. Sparky may only have taken the post on 10 January this year but he's already a comparative veteran of Loftus Road; usurped only by grandfather time, Shaun Derry.

This 'easy come, easy go' mentality must be of concern to Mr Hughes in light of QPR's dismal start. To date, they have yet to win a game in 2012/2013 season, and were unceremoniously dumped out of the Capital C for Cup by Reading.

Despite the lavish overhaul of the first team, QPR's results against their peers haven't been good enough; defeat at the hands of Swansea, the aforementioned result against Reading, and a draw with Norwich, all evidence of this underachievement. The statistics speak for themselves; no club has scored less, and only Southampton conceded more, in the Premiership thus far. In Layman's terms, their defensive is leakier than an excited geriatric, and their attack only marginally less impotent.

Personally, I think Mr Hughes' days at QPR are numbered. Afterall, he has been provided with considerably more financial clout than his competitors, and has benefitted from adequate time at the helm (10 months (9 months longer than the average manager)), yet continues to struggle. Excuses about the board's ambitions, or lacking finances, are clearly not applicable; therefore it can be concluded Sparky simply isn't getting satisfactory results from a team that HE has assembled.

Mr Rodgers
If you are a Liverpool follower that promotes results as the primary objective of the manager, then I fear Mr Rodgers could be trying your patience...  yes, the philosophy of football is endearing, but there won't be many that enjoyed losing to bitter rivals United in gameweek 5; especially on such an emotional occasion. On the day, United were ponderous, unadventurous, and darn-right lucky, BUT the score goes down as 2 - 1 in the Mancunian club's favour.

(Scouse whit at it's best (watch and learn Paul O'Grady!)

In addition to the failure against United, Liverpool have suffered at the hands of Arsenal and West Brom this season, and currently find themselves 14th in the league table. Worse still, until their comprehensive victory over Norwich last weekend, they sat 18th; cue amusing graffiti (see right). It may only be early days, but the poor run Rodgers has overseen, has already put Liverpool a full 11 points adrift of table-topping Chelsea.

Liverpool traditionally give time to their manager (see the 6 years some tubby Spanish waiter was allowed), and as a result, Mr Rodgers is unlikely to be the first Premiership manager out of the door. In addition, the fans are aware that Liverpool's board failed to tie up the signatures of two players that Rodgers desperately wanted to bring in; namely, 'shoot-on-sight' merchant Sigurdsson, and the unkempt Dempsey. Fenway Sports Group's ownership is somewhat controversial at the best of times, and I can not see the justice fuelled Liverpool fans accepting Rodgers' sacking given the boardroom errors.

Rodgers then, a manager under the sort of pressure that can usually only be seen on The Crystal Maze, but not in my mind in immediate jeopardy. If results don't turn around, I'd expect to see Rodgers delving into the January sales and/or recalling Carroll... If that doesn't kick start the scousers, then Mr Rodgers probably won't preside over the full season.

Mr Villas-Boas
Comparable in opinion polls to the coalition, '2 and a half men', the films of Peter Jackson, 60's architecture, punctuation... and small pox, Mr Villas Boas is not going to win many popularity contests amongst fans; especially after the disappointing spell he had at Chelsea.

More concerning perhaps was AVB's effect upon the PFA's members during his first venture into English football. The reports that surfaced from Stamford Bridge during, and following, AVB's departure indicate that his man-management techniques were either idiosyncratic or obsolete. Accounts indicate that many of the more experienced players felt isolated, and this manifested itself in the departures of Alex and Anelka early in AVB's Chelsea reign, and also in Frank Lampard's statement in which he proclaimed that playing under AVB had "not been ideal". The constant rumours of discontent within the camp during his tenure, even reported in reputable press such as The Star, were clearly not without foundation. The concern is that this effect could carry over to the Spurs dressing-room; and The Sun's headline, "Spurs in Turmoil", cannot aid his cause.


Last weekend's win at Old Trafford, Tottenham Hotspur's first since the collapse of the Roman Empire, will have relieved the pressure on the manager a great deal, and AVB's 'drunk uncle at a wedding' celebration highlighted the significance of the achievement. With the tide turning at Spurs, Mr Villas-Boas is now looking like a long shot for the unwanted sack-race title.



Mr Allardyce

Analysing West Ham United's start to the new term you could be forgiven for thinking that Big-Sam has removed his sheepskin jacket, placed his sovereign rings on the rosewood cabinet, slipped his crushed velvet smoking jacket on, and reclined into West Ham's leopard print arm chair for the long haul. However, what you ignore at your peril is that Big-Sam's bosses are pornography magnates Gold and Sullivan; and thus equally as bumptious. Now I'm in no way insinuating that the Hammers owners are 'wide boys', but Gold's father was a convicted east-end gangster (http://theboleyninheritance.wordpress.com/2011/10/03/goldy-the-getaway-driver-and-his-75k-swag/), and Mr Sullivan did a stretch in the 1980's. What's this have to do with football I hear you ask... well, with so many egos (says Jeffrey...) all under one roof, an implosion could be lurking at any board meeting... here today, suing for unfair dismissal tomorrow. For this reason alone Mr Allardyce must be handed a disused potato sack and ushered to the start line.

Returning to on-field matters, West Ham's abysmal showing in the League Cup, a competition Mr Allardyce had suggested was winnable, could also have an effect. The Hammers were crushed 4 - 1 at Upton Park by Wigan Athletic in a performance Allardyce described as "comical" - that's the sort of masochistic mind-set that Gold & Sullivan's retail empire has thrived on the back of.

Despite this disappointing showing in the League cup, West Ham bounced back with victory against fellow relegation candidates QPR on Monday night; they now sit in a very credible 7th spot in the Premiership on 11 points.

In summary, an unlikely candidate on current form, but with the ever looming threat of a board room 'bun-fight', or the fans clamour for Paulo Di Canio to take-over, Mr Allardyce remains a candidate for dismissal.

Mr Pulis
This might seem an unlikely choice given the success that Mr Pulis has brought to Stoke City's 1st XV; but it's worth bearing in mind that Steve Kean has just been relieved of his post at Blackburn Rovers (such was his affinity with the fans that The Samaritans are rumoured to be setting up a hotline). Mr Kean's position at Rovers was generally considered bomb-proof given the success he'd brought to the club (despite the odd abusive outburst at his Director of Football & his former boss, oh, and the small matter of relegation); so to see Mr Kean "forced to resign" will have every manager including Mr Pulis looking over their shoulder.

It's been a rather dreary start to the season for the Potters too, having drawn 4 of their first 6 games; winning one and losing the other to high flying Chelsea. But it's the resoluteness that those draws convey, that consistently drives Stoke City to comfortable mid-table football; and as long as the fans and board are content with that, then Mr Pulis' job is as safe as Gordon Bank's hands. The only reason I can see that Paddy Power have included Mr Pulis, is the possible availability of Graham Henry.

The Best/Worst of the Rest

(Benwell, an affluent suburb of Newcastle -
these mansions are thought to be owned
by posh shandy-drinking Southerners)

Of the residual members of the aforementioned list, Pardew can be totally discounted having just extended his contract by an unprecedented 8 years. How many of those projected years Pardew will actually occupy will remain to be seen (I'm not sure anyone has ever stayed in the city of Newcastle for that long, and certainly not through choice), but he's guaranteed to outstay his competitors.

In addition, and despite having the fearsome Mr Abramovich as his employer, Di Matteo has brought Chelsea their illusive Champions League trophy and begun the new campaign in fine shape. I would only expect to see those with the financial nouse of an RBS investment banker to place their cash on Di Matteo to be the first Premier League manager dismissed.

Paul Lambert and his replacement at Norwich City, Chris Hughton, are also indicated in the shortlist. They are both new to their respective clubs but arrive under differing pressures. Mr Lambert takes over an underachieving Aston Villa outfit, and must burden the expectation levels of the fans; whilst Hughton must continue the great work of Lambert at Delia's Norwich City. Neither have enhanced their new surroundings thus far, and without imminent improvement, their names could soon float to the fore of the rumour pages.

- Where will you be placing your spouse's money?
- Should any other managers be considered?

Thank you for scan reading..
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BC
@BobbyCowsill
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