THE ROUND UP (12 July 2012)

I must begin by offering my insincere apologies for the lack of topical football based literature released on this blog over the past fortnight. The excuse being that I have been indulging in my other great passion (no, no!); music! The concoction of having to splurge a briefcase full of cash on grossly overpriced drinks, stand on tip-toes until my calf muscles spontaneously combust, and having to snorkel through the mud/overflowing sewage cocktail, takes some time to oust from the system. For those of you who are interested, or feigning interest (the group in which the Portuguese national football side provide their life lessons), my latest escapade took me to the undisputed home of music to scream along with seminal indie outfit The Stone Roses.     

(hoggers!)

During the aforementioned realisation of my dream, Spain were busy realising their own; namely lifting the The Henri Delaunay Trophy aloft for the second consecutive time. The one sided final eventually culminating in a 4-0 defeat for the scandal tarnished Italians... for the record, there were no peculiar own goals, no sliced penalty kicks, and no suspicious sending off’s (in minutes ending in ‘6’ or otherwise) as was envisaged in my “Group C” blog of June 17.

    

What was foreseen however was much of the reminder of the tournament - the Spanish victory itself; England captivating their audience for the obligatory 2 out of the 4 weeks; the Dutch implosion; Balotelli’s numerous childlike tantrums; the French bowing out ungracefully; the UEFA endorsed camera-persons (probably men) filming virile female fans rather than the football; and sadly, the unsavoury scenes off the pitch. Europe, in hindsight, could have saved itself a great deal of fortune, and the majority of us, avoided much heartache. Still, it did give us Europeans something to focus on other than finances; and on a personal level, I didn’t have to watch the insufferable ‘deal or no deal’ for an entire month.

The ease at which Spain brushed aside Italy and once again proved to be Europe’s premier football team was breathtaking. Their unparalleled pool of talent perhaps most evident when you scrutinized the absentees from their European Championship final starting XI – most notably, Chelski duo Juan Mata and Fernando Torres; Athletic’s Manchester United tormentors, Fernando Llorente, Iker Muniain and Javi Martinez; and Barcelona’s injured twosome of Carles Puyol and David Villa.

This further triumph by Spain, begs the question, “are they the best national team ever?”. As exponents of pass and move (tiki-taka) football they are surely unrivalled, but defensively, and in terms of cutting edge, they have occasionally been questioned. Consider then the following entities as possible alternatives: -

• World Cup 1970 winning Brazil – Pele, Carlos Alberto, Jairzinho, Tostao, Gerson, & Rivelino; need I say more! (see below)

• Rinus Michels ‘Totaalvoetball’ Netherlands team of 1974  - despite losing the World Cup final to rivals Deutschland; Cruyff, Haan, Rep, van Hanegam & co, changed the landscape of football forever (Spain are mere copy-cats).

(Great football team, but most importantly; a quite fabulous kit)

• France 1998 to 2000 – blessed with talent such as Zizou, Terry Henry, and the eternal Thuram; and benefactors of Monsieur Barthez's lucky slaphead; the French were bound to capture the World Cup in ’98 and the European Championships of ’00.

• Berti Vogts’ Scotland of 2002 – 2004. Herr Vogts’ Scotland began with a solid 5 nil defeat at the hands of France, and went on to achieve numerous other credible results; the most memorable were as follows: - South Korea (1  – 4), Faroe Islands (2 – 2), Holland (0 -6), Wales (0 -4), Hungary (0 – 3), Moldova (1 – 1), and home defeat to Norway.

(Andy Selva - scorer of THE winning
San Marino goal - canonized in '02)

• That special San Marino side of 28 April 2004 that scored a genuine, real-life, actual, valid, undeniable, goal against Liechtenstein... and went onto claim their only ever victory!

• 11 April 2001 ‘Socceroos’ – this VB/XXXX powered Aussie outfit pipped American Somoa 31 – 0 during 2002 FIFA World Cup Qualification.

TRANSFER PORTION

As well as evidencing the quality of certain national teams, Euro 2012 also drew the eyes of the world onto certain talented players – most the everyday fan were aware of beforehand, but a few rose to prominence during the tournament. The same principle must have applied to those loitering characters that operate in the shadows, only occasionally surfacing to tell their gaffer that they’ve spied some bona fide talent (that the You Tube generation identified a decade previous); scouts!

Following the various scouts reports to hierarchy, a number of transfers have ensued. Former ‘Super’ (I understand he was relinquished of this title by Balotelli’s 2^nd against Germany) Mario Mandzukic’s transfer to FC Bayern in a deal worth circa £8 million, the highlight of the post Euro ‘scramblies’ so far.

Fellow Croatian Modric also looks likely to move following a sound Euro 2012; having caught the eye of Real Madrid’s scouts. Modric is expected to announce his intention to swap the sodden city of London, for the ever so slightly brighter Madrid, to new boss AVB within the next few days. This transfer will bring estranged partners Mr Mourinho and his protégée AVB back into contact - for the sake of the kids I hope the transfer doesn’t push them further apart. On the field, Luka Modric will add further invention to Real’s already crafty midfield of Alonso, Kaka, Ozil and Granero.

(Look-a-likes - Mourinho (left) & AVB (right))

Mr Mourinho’s philosophy of flooding the side with creative players, then playing defense first football, seems to be shared by Mr Di Matteo at Chelsea. Having wrapped up the signatures of Marin and Hazard, to add to the serving Mata and Lampard, Chelsea have now seen numerous bids for like minded players rejected – the latest flirtation being with another young German, Andre Schurrle. Looking at recent history, the fee, though undisclosed, is likely to be in the region of £400bn + costs.

Meanwhile, Manchester United have been busy distancing themselves from the cynical accusations that Kagawa’s signing is merely as the token merchandise salesmen for the ever growing Asian market; by immediately going ahead with the sale of their other Asian asset, floppy haired, work-aholic, Park Ji-Sung. The South Korean legend joins Mark Hughes’ tepid revolution at Queens Park Rangers.

And finally, the worryingly gangly midfield shooting ace Sigurdsson, has made his loan move to Swansea permanent... wait, sorry, he nearly did; but he’s actually decided to follow his previous boss Brendan Rogers to the home of the Beatles and car robbery; Liverpool. Oh, I’m hearing he hasn’t done that either... it’ll be Tottenham Hotspur for Sigurdsson next season! Unless a newer, more fashionable, model comes along before August 31...  

BC

@BobbyCowsill

FB GROUP - 'if that had gone in it would have been a goal'

Shock! England Exit on Penalties...

(Rooney portraying his performance through mime)

I proceeded into the glorious British summer laden with scepticism over the prospect of sharing my damp drizzly days with a familiar, yet seductive partner; a partner who has historically either torn my heart from my chest, or simply bored me into apathy. 

This inherent uncertainty paled into insignificance early in June however, as my passion whisked me away on a whirlwind of excitement and even joy; the draw against the French, and Welbeck’s back heel winner; two important milestones on this journey. I even began to believe that this relationship could develop and possibly flourish into something that could last; maybe the prior disappointment serving as the catalyst...

Well no... As is invariably the case, the honeymoon period ended, and the same displeasing aesthetics, and eventually, the same intolerable habits returned to the forefront. As I watched on Sunday evening, the hope and excitement was slowly displaced by the familiar wave of frustration and irritation. England having tantalised in earlier games were now just the sorry sight that I had predicted prior to the Euros commencement (about the only correct prediction I’ve made). The Italian players cherished the ball in the way they do their bearded grandmothers, whilst their English counterparts were utterly terrified of it. L’Oreal model, Pirlo, epitomised the difference in class - always calm on the ball, he habitually turned into space and seldom failed to find a blue shirt; even when producing cutting passes in the final 3^rd. In fact had it not been for average finishing from his lesser team mates, Pirlo’s artistry would have seen Italy home long before the final whistle - the idiosyncratic Balotelli, and the bizarrely attired De Rossi, the main culprits.

The poor finishing; resolute defending from Cole, Lescott, and Terry; and a star performance from Lady Luck; conspired to restrict Italy’s goal column to nil throughout all 120 minutes. Thus sending the game into the dreaded penalties.

Apart from the penalty shoot-outs England have faced in virtually every tournament in my life time (1990, 1996, 1998, 2004 & 2006), this would be their first attempt... or at least that’s what we wanted our players to believe. With every failure, pressure is ramped up another notch, thus the simple act of kicking a small spherical object between an 8’ x 24’ frame, becomes the footballing equivalent of sitting through 'Everybody Loves Raymond' without concreting your ear canal and tearing your retina out. The catch 22 needs to be broken!

The thought amongst the sloping forehead, knuckles scraping along the ground, beer for breakfast English folk of my local, was that this was that time. After all, Italy have been almost as futile in shoot-out situations as England have (bar a World Cup final); and just maybe the luck had turned in England's favour (see Ukraine, and the charmed existence of the England goal against Italy).

England even led the shootout after 4 strikes... Montolivo presumably missing deliberately; not for illegal betting reasons I’m hastened to add, but to ensure that even England’s biggest sceptics would be enveloped by the malicious little thing known as ‘hope’. This was encouraged further when, the disappointing (diplomatic)/ dreadful (honest), Wayne Rooney, managed to convert his opportunity.

But, losing time and time again, isn’t because England are unlucky, it’s because they’ve got the emotional control of a pubescent teenage girl. Whether it’s the history, the expectation, or the acute awareness of environment, the English seem always to fail where their counterparts don’t. Andrea Pirlo’s sumptuous penalty epitomizing this; dinking the ball ‘Penenka’ style over the premature lunge of Joe Hart.

This show of confidence may have unsettled England as what followed was all too familiar...

Ashley Young, having been absent throughout the duration of the tournament, was the first, and least surprising, England casualty - begging the question, "could you not have remained absent for 10 more minutes?". Having walked all the way to the penalty spot without taking his eyes off the turf, Young proceeded to charge at the ball and club it against the cross bar (he was fortunate it finished that close given he’d not checked where the goal was). Still, given the velocity of Young’s effort, it did stand a chance. The same can not be said of Cashley Cole’s back pass...  So poor was the strike that the camera man was able to film both Cole’s Bambi-esque run up, and Buffon’s subsequent save, from behind each respective party.

(Not even this chaps wedding vegetables could deny Italy..
Top marks for trying though.. your OBE awaits)

The misses turned the tide, and Di Canio wannabe Diamanti confirmed England’s fate with the Italian’s 4^th successful spot kick; despite distraction (see right).

Returning to my tired metaphor - Having witnessed shoot-out failure AGAIN, the betrayal, and associated break-up embarrassment returned – How did I let England get under my skin again? Everyone told me this would happen! etc etc. Afterall, I knew myself, and even chose to tell my reader(s)...

It can’t be denied however, that England deserved their exit from Euro 2012. In fact, as the game wore on it became increasingly apparent that facing our fear, and holding on for penalties, would be our only chance of success.

 It certainly wasn’t like times gone by, where half-cut bleached individuals of legendary status miss open nets; or commanding centre-backs have perfectly valid goals chalked off in extra time... In the words of the great Irish philosopher Mr Murphy, “I’m not bitter”.

Still, who’d have thought the 1990’s would be recalled as the glory years!?

By way of reminder, here's a timeline of England's tournament finals since my birth: -

World Cup 1986 - Maradona's 'hand of God'
Euro 1988 - embarrassed in Group B (see Ray Houghton)
World Cup 1990 - defeat on penalties to West Germany
Euro 1992 - knocked out by Brolin (the subject of Dolly Parton's 1974 hit)
Euro 1996 - defeat on penalties to Germany - also see 'Sick-note' & Gazza misses
World Cup 1998 - defeat on penalties to Argentina - also see Sol Campbell disallowed goal
Euro 2000 - knocked out of Group A following Phil Neville's clumsy challenge (FYI we beat Germany and they finished bottom of the group)
World Cup 2002 - Ronaldinho flukes a free-kick over Seaman
Euro 2004 - defeat on penalties to Portugal - also see Sol Campbell disallowed goal
World Cup 2006 - defeat on penalties to Portugal
World Cup 2010 - defeat to Germany - also see Lampard's goal
Euro 2012 - defeat on penalties to Italy

p.s. as promised : -

Bender Watch

As a side issue to the events of Sunday evening, and to continue the somber tone of this text, I will update you on the progress of Britain’s adopted player of the tournament, Lars Bender.

After an explosive start to this segment last week, sadly there is little to report this. Unfortunately, Bender did not partake in Germany catapulting Greece out of the Euro(s); overseen by Frau Merkel naturally. Bender was instead last observed perusing the Discotheques of Gdansk.

BC
@BobbyCowsill
facebook group - 'if that had gone in it would have been a goal'

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THE ROUND UP (20 June 12)

The last week or so has been packed with news from the ever evolving world of football, and here’s your bite-size reminder: -

Euro 2012

(courtesy of  dearfabio.wordpress.com)

The Euro Group Stages have already concluded, and we’re now only a week or so from going football ‘cold-turkey’. Thankfully, the proverbial Nicorette patch being the increasingly sporadic helping of knock-out football... and believe it or not England are participating! 

The 3 Lions topping Group D, thanks to France's final game capitulation, and the utterly worthless extra officials: they have 1 job to do, and yet, time after time they miss crucial moments; anyone else would be 'relieved of their position'! (civil servants aside). Note however, that Sepp 'even' Blatter 'than ever', has now declared Goal Line Technology a "necessity" - where were those comments after England vs. Germany!? 

Anyway rant over... England's group victory means they have avoided Spain, and instead will play a juicy tie against 1968 Winners Italy. Thankfully, reports from Italy suggest that much of this 1968 side will be unavailable Sunday night; surely giving England a 'fighter's chance' of progressing... and subsequently meeting with Germany in the semi-finals (fortunately England's record against the Germans at this stage in major tournaments is enviable). However, a word of warning, lets try not to get hysterical now that ENGLAND ARE GOING TO WIN!!!

Unfortunately for our friends over the Irish Sea, and also for publicans in Eastern Europe, Trapattoni’s men will not be joining us in the knock-outs; having been unceremoniously dumped out without troubling the scorers. Shrinking violet, Roy Keane, expressing his displeasure by proclaiming, "I'm sick of this 'win, lose, we're on the booze' mentality"; and Keith Andrews expressing his frustration by aiming a kick at the team's drink-bottles following his red card... needless to say, he missed.

(Pair of Benders: Lars & twin Sven)

The Kinks said, “Give the people what they want”, and who’s going to argue with musical aristocracy!? Therefore, I have succumbed to the clamour of the public, and propose to follow the versatile German player Lars Bender for the remainder of his tournament... or until he scores the winning penalty against England (though I'm aware this may generate attempts to revive the article by the Scots; Bender now akin to; Wallace, Burns, the Bruce, Boyle and Maradona). 

I digress; this new segment shall be entitled; ‘Bender Watch’. disclaimer: - my childish ramblings are not meant to cause any offence (unless they are), and I in no way harbour homophobic or any other prejudicial views... and nor should you!)

Wait, just climbing down from my moral steed...

Okay. I am delighted to announce that this fresh segment got off to a banging start on Sunday evening; Lars sneaking in round the back of the Danish defence, and caressing the ball past Stephan Andersen... His first International goal, and an important one, securing Germany’s group win, and sending the plucky Danes crashing out. No wonder Bender fell to the floor wrapped in the arms of his teammates.   

As well as the Danes and the Irish, other notable absentees from the latter rounds include the following: -

·         Russia – The team I predicted would waltz Group A, eventually throwing it all away with a lacklustre defeat at the hands of the Greeks

·         Co-hosts Poland – who just couldn’t translate their fantastic support into points.

·         Holland – tipped by me as potential winners, the Dutch go home with nil pois, having been; listless, disorganised, and (just for a change) disharmonious.

·        Zlatan Ibrahimovic

·         Croatia – Came up just short in a tough group. A case of what might have been, had Rakitic just nodded home Modric's cross against Spain.

 For completeness, the less distinguished departures being; Ukraine... oh, and Ibrahimovic’s colleagues. 

Irrelevant news

Perhaps the most surprising knock-out this week however, came at Allerton Castle, where new bride Rebecca Guthrie, WAG of ex-Newcastle and Bolton man Danny, was given the proverbial 10 count.

(Allerton Castle: Wedding & WWE Venue)

I’m not sure what the unwritten rules of conduct and etiquette are for a wedding guest, but I can say with a degree of certainty that giving the bride a knuckle-sandwich is a no-no.

According to The Daily Mail, ‘Shocked staff said the event reminded them of a Big Fat Gypsy Wedding as lobster thermidor was hurled around, later followed by punches, kicks and slaps’.

You can take the boy out of Liverpool...

The Rivalry Returns

Another headline grabber this week, was the return of the Scotland versus England fixture. Traditionally an annual event, until abolition in 1989, it is the oldest international fixture in association football - the first meeting a nil nil thriller played out at Hamilton Crescent in 1872.

 Since Danny Dyer and his 'nawty' comrades put pay to the spectacle, there have been only a handful of meetings between the ‘Auld Enemy’; the most notable during Euro 1996. The game going down in English folk law for THAT goal; one player partial to a drop (Gazza), lifts the ball over another partial to a dram (Hendry), before volleying the ball past self confessed serial drinker, Andy Goram – how fitting that celebration was (see right).

The last meeting was the Euro 2000 playoff at Wembley, and I’ll be lynched if I don’t point out that Don Hutchinson headed the winner - England ultimately progressed 2 – 1 on aggregate though.

With all this history in mind, the latest instalment is sure to be a wonderful occasion; make a note in your diary! It’s been scheduled for 14 August 2013 at Wembley, so there’s plenty of time for the Scots to stock up on ‘see-you-jimmy’ hats, and for their opposition to put some imitation ‘Knights Templar’ outfits together.

 Transfer News

 Joe Jordan’s sparring partner, Rino Gattuso, has decided to take his football/cage-fighting hybrid to Switzerland; having signed on the dotted line at FC Sion. He had previously been linked with a return to Glasgow Rangers, and had publically expressed his interest in making this move. Unfortunately for Rino the deal hit a slight snag... namely the fact the club is no longer in existence. (More on Rangers plight to follow...)

Surprising news from Arsenal, as they look to have wrapped up the signing of a French player! 25 year old Montpellier striker, Olivier Giroud, scored 25 goals in Ligue 1 last term, and Arsene Wenger will be hoping he can continue this trend and score 26 next... 25 more than Chamakh.

The much sought after Argentine, Lavezzi, completed a big money move to Paris Saint-Germain from Napoli this week. I would expect a barrage of complaints from Mr Platini on the back of PSG's spending... It's ruining football isn't it Michel? 

Elsewhere, Chelski had a £4 million bid rejected for Moses; it's thought they'll now turn to Noah. 

BC

Twitter: @BobbyCowsill
Facebook Group: 'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal'

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GROUP C - Croatia/Italy/Rep of Ireland/Spain

These snap shots of the various Euro groups are written, in part, as a reminder to those of us who have consumed one too many ‘soft drinks’ in the interval between the early and late kick offs. I think perhaps it’s fitting (stereotyping) then, that we save the Republic of Ireland’s group until last.

The Irish allegedly have the best fans at the tournament this year, but sadly I’ve not heard any allegations of them having the best team. In their 2 outings, they have conceded 7 goals and managed only 1 in return; making them not only the leakiest defence, but also the co-most impotent attack at the Euros. These stats do paint a picture, and unfortunately that picture doesn’t lie; but you have to bear in mind the calibre of their opposition.

The Irish opened their campaign in Poznan (named after a Manchester City goal celebration), against a Slaven Bilic prepared Croatian team; complete with Premiership stars Luka Modric, and Nikica Jelavic.

And they fell behind early; very early! I believe it was about 1659 hrs BST; presumably the 7^th official in the crowd had blown for kick off early. ‘Super Mario III’ (following Balotelli and Gomez) Mandzukic heading the first of a fine pair.

Sandwiched between these strikes, Sean St. Ledger headed Ireland’s only goal of the tournament so far; the defence appearing to hesitate as the 7^th official in the crowd, again, helpfully blasted his/her whistle. 

Everton’s January purchase from ostentatious Rangers, Nikica Jelavic, restored the Croatian’s lead on the brink of half time, poking the ball past the on-rushing Shay Given.

 There was only ever going to be one winner from here, and Mandzukic’s 2^ndearly in the second half, was tangible proof; the ball ricocheting off the post and the goalkeeper before nestling in the Irish net. Shay Given’s reaction to the whole affair (shown right) summed it up; the chalk on his face as he took to his feet, presumably masking the egg. 

Earlier in the evening, European Champions, World Champions, and likely Intergalactic Champions, Spain, took their brand of ticky-tacky football to Gdansk to meet the always formidable, Italians. Despite their off pitch crises, the Italians must not be written off, especially given their World Cup success in 2006 on the back of a similar scandal. And it was the Italians that initially led against the striker-less Spaniards; Di Natale, on for (too many jokes) Balotelli, latching onto a deft pass and cleverly lifting the ball beyond Casillas.

 The lead was short lived though, lasting a mere 3 minutes, before ‘false 9’ (because he’s wearing #10), Cesc Fabregas, ran onto David Silva’s masterful through ball, and slid the ball past Buffon.

Spain did have their chances to snatch the points, but lacked any purpose in the final 3^rd. Vicente Del Bosque identified this issue and introduced Fernando Torres as a replacement for Cesc Fabrgeas. The former striker did add some extra dynamism, and amusement, spurning a hat-trick of golden opportunities. 1 each it remained then - points shared.

The Italians next opponents were the Irish heartbreakers from game 2, Croatia. Billed as a potentially tight affair, it proved to be exactly that. In fact, the game’s opening goal coming from the perpetual Andrea Pirlo, as he voided the capabilities of the Croatian defence by flighting a fabulous free kick past Pletikosa.

Croatia were more adventurous in the second half, switching their formation in an attempt to free up the virtually absent Modric. This modification did have a modicum of success; but soon the Italians were creating again, Balotelli passing up an excellent opportunity to put the game to bed.

With the all too familiar scoreline of one nil to Italy looming, and the Azzurri sitting behind the ball, it was something of a surprise when Croatia levelled proceedings. Having hardly put a foot wrong at the back, Chiellini misjudged a speculative cross from the left and Mario Mandzukic slid in to score his 3^rd of the tournament.

Howard Webb called the event to a close after the customary 90 minutes, no Fergie time required.
1 – 1 the final score.

 For Ireland's second game, the mass ranks of support headed for Gdansk in the hope of good craic and 3 points. Regrettably for the emerald army though, they left with nothing more than dented pride, following a football lesson from the best in the business.

Ireland, to their credit, did manage to hold out for a full 4 minutes; Fernando Torres eventually breaking his international duck against the same goalkeeper he ended his 6 month Premiership barren spell in March.

Despite a number of chances, even a rare opening for Keith Andrews, the first half concluded with the Spaniards only a goal in front.

Alas the second half was an all together more galling spectacle. First, Manchester City’s David Silva snaffling up the rebound from Andres Iniesta’s initial shot to double the advantage; before Torres and Fabregas rounded off the torrid night.

4 nil the final score, and the old adage, ‘they were lucky to get none’, never truer. Irish captain Robbie Keane admitting, "For the majority of the game we were chasing shadows".

Team	Pld	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	Pts
Spain	2	1	1	0	5	1	+4	4
Croatia	2	1	1	0	4	2	+2	4
Italy	2	0	2	0	2	2	0	2
Republic of Ireland	2	0	0	2	1	7	−6	0

 The group has been well contested, but the stand-out performers have been the reigning champions. It’s their form that will likely see Croatia exit and the Italians progress. I understand many are backing Italy not just for qualification from the group, but also to progress into the latter stages, and even reach the final... before an unusual own goal, four sendings off (all in minutes ending in 6), and a sliced penalty deny them.

The Republic of Ireland fans are already preparing their return journey; however given that they have reported Poland is, “full of beautiful women, superb (and strong) beer and vodka, delicious food and excellent hotels (even with a TV in the toilet!)” (http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/news/lord-gdansk-irish-solace-polish-133517801.html), it may take them a while to disperse. Any volunteers to aid them?

BC
@BobbyCowsill

GROUP B - 'The Group of Death'

Group B - 'The Group of Death' (we should have one at every tournament...)


(De Jong, World Cup 2010 -
arguably the most fearsome
tackle since Dion Dublin)

Day 2 of the Euros 2012, saw my tip for the tournament (you may have identified a theme), Die Oranje, come up against Qualifying Group H winners (a group that contained Portugal), Denmark. Goal machine Huntelaar was unceremoniously dropped to the bench by Holland manager Bert van Marwijk, in favour of Van Persie as the lone striker; with two defensive midfielders playing in front of the back four - softies, Nigel ‘Karate Kid’ De Jong (see right) and Van Bommel. Denmark on the other hand opted for their 10 most tattooed individuals and veteran Dennis Rommedahl (I read a book once that said he played for Charlton Athletic when God was still in shorts – maybe Ryan Giggs can confirm this).

The Dutch, for all their possession, didn’t create a huge number of chances but those they did were wasted. Van Persie’s legs, like Samaras’ and Kerzhakov’s before him, turning to jelly under the weight of expectation, resulting in a number of gilt-edged chances going begging. Whilst fellow superstar, and Bayern Munich’s man of the moment, Arjen Robben, shot harmlessly over/wide when he should have been passing, and passed the ball wastefully when he really should have pulled the trigger.

Denmark played to their strengths and hit the Netherlands on the break using Rommedahl and Krohn-Deli; the latter providing the incisive moment, as he dropped a shoulder, ghosted past Heitinga, and smashed the ball under Stekelenburg in the Dutch goal.

Huntelaar and then Van Der Vaart were introduced late on, but both failed to make the telling contributions required. The buck toothed Huntelaar spurning the best opportunity; latching onto the pass of the century from Sneijder before placing the ball into the midriff of Danish keeper Andersen.

Following this result, we were politely reminded that the Dutch lost their opening fixture in the 1988 Euros... They didn’t have the German’s in their group on that occasion however.

 Tournament specialists, and historic chums of Blighty, Deutschland, have brought another formidable squad to the Euros; containing promising young stars such as Gotze, Reus, and Kroos; as well as the familiar names of Ozil, Neuer, and Gomez. Their first opponents, 2004 losing finalists Portugal, would set up defensively in the hope to absorb pressure and counter through the meek and mild Ronaldo, and Michael Jackson’s illegitimate son, Nani (see left).

However, Announcer: “Mario!”, crowd: GOMEZ! headed the decisive goal in the 72nd minute; looping a wonderful header past Rui Patricio, following a deflected cross from the right. Frankly, the game had been most disappointing until this point, but the goal served to spark it into life. Portugal began to look more threatening and the game in general became stretched... 

Then, in the dying seconds, the moment of the game, and another contender for moment of the tournament; certainly for those at my local drinking establishment that I have the pleasure to call associates. Beanpole, Thomas Muller departed, and on jogged the replacement, to chants of “BENDER!” (preceded by the barely audible announcement of “Lars”). How the intelligent, mature, British public laughed (and tweeted (it was ‘trending’ within minutes)).

Afterwards some men ran round a bit, and a spherical object flew about a bit; then the final whistle went – and we were still laughing.


 June 13^th proved to be unlucky for those who back Denmark and the Netherlands; both sides left teetering on the edge of exit following defeats.

The Netherlands vs. Germany was the eye catching tie of the group stages as a whole, two hugely talented sides, steeped in history and rivalry; however, in truth, the game was rather one sided. The Dutch for all their possession created very little, whilst Germany, organised as usual, picked them off on the counter attack - Gomez twice the benefactor of clever passes from ‘the Brain’, Bastian Schweinsteiger.

The Dutch did get a lifeline midway through the 2^nd half; Van Persie’s stunning right-footed swinger leaving Neuer flapping at thin air. But, as has been the case so often before, rather than being galvanised by the goal, the neurotic Dutch imploded - Robben highlighting the psychological demons that haunt Holland by stomping off the opposite side of the pitch when his number was shown by the 4^th official. On his eventual arrival at the dug out, Robben proceeded to toss his jersey away and sit on his lonesome... I presume Robben will be unavailable for their final group game given the number of toys that must be retrieved and returned to his pram.

The result means that The World Cup finalists of 2010 are staring at expulsion from the competition, and truthfully, only have themselves to blame. As previously stated, they have opted for 2 holding players in the centre of the park, trading creativity for a resolute defence, yet have probably been the most languid side without possession. Rafael Van Der Vaart will surely step in for the leggy Van Bommel in game 3! (I hope so! my reputation down 'Ye Olde Pube' may ride on it)

Anyway, preceding the box office fixture above, was the clash between Denmark and Portugal; eventually finishing 3 – 2 to the Portuguese.

The game was a roller-coaster, first dipping in Portugal’s favour through goals from Pepe and, the prolific (Spurs fan will vouch for this) Helder Postiga; before returning to equilibrium 10 minutes from time. Ever popular, ever modest, Nicklas Bendtner, popped up with both Danish goals; AND popped down his shorts to expose, not the normal tighty-whiteys, but an endorsed pair of green  undercrackers... 1. Do you not think it presumptuous that Bendtner of all people wear these boxers? 2. 10/10 for initiative, but I hope a certain Irish betting company will ‘‘hear you’’, when you ask them for funds to pay UEFA’s fine.

The equalizer from Denmark had come on the back of poor finishing from Ronaldo; who really should have wrapped the game up on a couple of occasions. Varela’s thumping winner then, after 87 minutes, was met with a huge sigh of relief by Ronaldo and Co. Not only 3 points banked for Portugal, but an extra life for Holland - all 4 teams with a theoretical chance of progression.

Team	Pld	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	Pts
Germany	2	2	0	0	3	1	+2	6
Portugal	2	1	0	1	3	3	0	3
Denmark	2	1	0	1	3	3	0	3
Netherlands	2	0	0	2	1	3	−2	0

It's the Germans who occupy (poor choice of verb) top spot, and they're a certainty to quaify. To accompany them: - I have to stand by my tip, Holland...

BC
@BobbyCowsill