The Round-Up September 2014

- Double Denim

(above: A typically well attended Serie A game in which
the overzealous Carabinieri rival the fans in numbers)

It's undeniable; Italian football was more entertaining in the 1990's - by which I mean it was enjoyable in the 90s. The stadia had a splattering of fans (upwards of 10 for a derby game), the world's premier players were flocking to the league's cash rich clubs and the likes of Juventus and the two Milan giants were perennial contenders on the European stage. 

If that wasn't enough, James Richardson hosted a suarve cafe based show for Channel 4 called "Football Italia" which focused primarily on Roberto Baggio or the latest misdemeanor by one of the Brits abroad (Gascoigne, Platt, Ince et al). Not only was the show effortlessly cool, it also spawned the undisputed king of intros - complete with playground phenomena "Golaccio!"... which everyone assumed was "Goooooooooooal Lazio". Hey ho.

None of the aforementioned moderately 'interesting' things about Serie A are ever likely to make a return - insert sad-face emoticon - but that hasn't stopped a teary and nostalgic Napoli trying their best to do a Cher ("Turn Back Time"). I mean, what's more 90's than wearing blue denim on the bottom half - and wait for it - blue denim on the top half as well? ...[Apart from Liam Gallagher's hair do] absolutely nothing! Well, behold this symphony of double denim...

It's like Britney and Justin, Robbie Williams, Jean-Claude Van Damme and a neo-post-Neighbours Kylie all rolling into one! And who wouldn't want that!? (everybody aside). 

In a further ode to bygone days the city of Naples has made itself home to 1000's of battered up Fiat Cinquecento's, organised crime (Camorra) and Rafael Benitez - the latter is unforgivable.  

- Manchester United Goal of the Month

Ignoring the fact that a yard is an imperial measurement of length as opposed to unit of speed, Wayne Rooney has lost a yard of pace - having started with approximately a yard of a pace - and faced hefty criticism from some quarters as a result. 

But the rum Liverpudlian has had the last laugh - and not because he's watched Rio's World Cup Wind-Ups again. No, Manchester United's number 10 collected the club's highly coveted goal of the month award for an eminently stoppable non-aerial overhead kick from within the 6 yard box against Swansea (see picture below). This forgettable strike pipped Mata's tap-in at the Stadium of Light in what turned out to be a close two-horse race... two-horse because the Red Devils only mustered two goals in total. 

Nonetheless, congratulations Wayne you've really shown them! (Though for the record, Mata's goal was more impressive and you have subsequently been sent off).  

(Above: manutd.com reporting Rooney's inevitable "accolade")

- Life After Football

At this time of year there's always reports of recently retired players "missing the game" - some even get so fidgety they retire from retirement in order to sign up with Solva AFC in Pembrokeshire League Division Two (Simon Davies) or Market Drayton Town in Northern Premier League Division One South (Pascal Chimbonda 2013).

I've heard many a former player discuss the difficulty in adapting to life 'outside the dressing-room', as if they've been institutionalised. They talk of the changing-room tomfoolery ('da bants') and become misty-eyed as they recite the first time the 'Archbishop of Banterbury' or the 'Bantersaurus Rex' defecated in their kit bag. Smiles spread across their faces as - with the comic timing of a dyslexic Chubby Brown impersonator -  they weave an anecdote about how the club captain used to have a pop at the trainee players' mothers [knowing sigh].

After such obvious hilarity how can you expect a wealthy father deep into his 30s and married to a beauty therapist to settle back into 'normal' society. It's the equivalent of going cold-turkey after 20 years chasing the dragon! 

I propose therefore that wives need to be the proverbial Methadone... slowly coaxing their partners off the 'Banter-bus'.

Perhaps during the Community Shield weekend the respective WAG could let off some fireworks in the en-suite at 3am or shave a Millwall badge into the dog (that's not a euphemism)..? Just to ease the player's anxiety and make him feel like 'one of the boys' again. Then as time progresses and heals, the given player may be able to cope with a small daily wee on his Sugar Puffs or even just having his Ferrari ruined by air-rifle pellets. Then when he's ready, he may go free into the world and do something meaningful with his 50 years of retirement and limitless wealth.

Who knows, perhaps the former player concerned won't feel such an overwhelming urge to butcher the English language on my overpriced satellite subscription or open another football themed public house!?

God-speed WAGS everywhere!

- Ian Wronged, Wronged, Wronged

Whilst Ian Wright was earning megabucks sunning himself on Copacabana beach for ITV, some rapscallion was ransacking his home in London! A truly sickening act of a collaboration of cowards and degenerates ( http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/ian-wright-burgled-knifewielding-robbers-stole-pundits-mbe-9551089.html ).

Sadly, not only did these individuals cause great distress to Wright and his family they also stole a number of Wright's prized possessions; including his MBE! 

The former Arsenal man has since vowed not to let the perpetrators "get away with it".

In true police style, a spokesperson from Scotland Yard followed up with, "This whole affair is an absolute mystery... how did Ian Wright get awarded an MBE?"  

 - Dave Hockaday Football Manager

("The manager you say!?")

This summer saw the - lets say - "surprising" appointment of former Cirencester Town right-back and Forest Green Rovers boss, David Hockaday, as Leeds United manager on a 2-year deal. Given the enormity of the job at Leeds and the relative stature of the new man in comparison, I feel it would be fascinating to keep abreast of his progress. As a result, I intend to make this a regular segment on ITHGI. 

Hockaday has been sacked.

Much to the surprise of literally no one, Hockaday was sacked by the 'fit and proper' owner of Leeds United on 28 August after a whopping 4 league games in charge - clearly ample time to prove himself.

Here ends this regular feature. 

(*discussions are underway about creating a similar column for Alan Irvine or Billy McKinlay)

@BobbyCowsill
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/
FTB Pro: http://www.ftbpro.com/bobby.cowsill

GROUP A - Czech Rep/Greece/Poland/Russia

In a prior article I remarked about how uninspired I was by the prospect of ‘meteoric clashes’ between the likes of Poland and Greece. Well, Group A’s 1^st fixture, and the tournament curtain raiser, was that such tie. Played out in front of a hysterical crowd in the National Stadium, Warsaw, the game transpired to be very watchable indeed... The Greeks, much like their economy as a whole, organised, and full of endeavour; whilst their opponents, buoyed by home support, were lively, and splattered with genuine, albeit unpronounceable, talent.

The real spine tingling moment of the game was produced by one such Pole Star, Robert Lewandowski stooping from the kind of heights that receive audible BBC Radio 5 Live signal, to plant his head on a cross that Greek goalkeeper, Chalkias, very characteristically, flapped at.

This goal unfortunately served to return Poland to their shell; and with the first half petering out, the host nation were provided a much needed, and presumably obligatory, ‘foot-up’ by the Spanish referee; who seemingly felt Papastathopoulos’ aftershave was deserving of a 2^nd bookable offence (he must have been wearing the pungent, ‘Sex Panther’ - “60% of the time, it works every time”) – I can’t think of a more plausible explanation!

10 man Greece fought back admirably after the break though, and levelled in the 51st minute through substitute Salpigidis. The Mediterranean’s could, and probably should, have gone on to take the 3 points, following the dismissal of Polish keeper Szczesny, and the subsequent penalty award; however Greek captain Karagounis saw his spot kick saved, and the 2004 winners were unable to turn their momentum into victory.

A point a piece, in a game that had a bit of everything; but ultimately that would have left the Greek manager the more subdued - the value of his savings having dwindled significantly in the last 90 minutes.

Elsewhere on opening night, two established provincial sides from Czechoslovakia and USSR, went head to head in a game that produced a total of 5 goals; 4 for Russia, and a solitary marker for the Czech Republic.

(Dzagoev: A soon-to-be familiar face)

Much hyped in his homeland, the evening saw Alan Dzagoev introduce himself to Western Europe with a superb brace. Dzagoev’s first, the game’s opener, a drilled effort from the edge of the box, following rugby star, Petr Cech’s, initial parry.
This goal set the platform for a fine Russian display. Architected by the aforementioned Dzagoev, and former/current Arsenal man, Andrey Arshavin (I’m assured it’s a player, not a pre-match streamlining exercise in the mode of an Olympic swimmer), the Russians broke through the Czech defence on countless occasions. Unfortunately, almost all the chances fell to centre forward Kerzhakov, who so far this tournament, couldn’t hit the ground if he threw a stone at it. Kerzhakov’s best moment, for me, coming after he ghosted onto a through-ball... calmly dropped a shoulder... performed an immaculate ‘Cruyff turn’ in the box, that sent not only the defender skidding to the turf, but most of the stadium... paused... looked up... showed great composure to pick his spot... before slicing the ball wildly into the middle of next week.

Kerzhakov’s replacement, Roman Pavlyuchenko, was somewhat less wasteful however, thumping the final cherry on the iron cake, past a helpless Petr Cech; having first weaved the Czech defence into a nice farewell cardigan for Harry Redknapp.

The 2^nd round of games in Group A, saw the Czech Republic recover from their opening day capitulation to beat an unfortunate Greece by 2 goals to 1. Both Czech goals were scored in the opening 10 minutes; and Greece, despite have chances, were unable to overhaul the deficit.

This result meant victory for Russia over historic rivals Poland would ensure their progress to the knock-out stages. The match was played to a backdrop of tension and hostility; fuelled further by the Russians UEFA charge, and their march through Warsaw - this time to commemorate their national day.

Russia’s Kerzahkov again staked his claim as the modern day Noah Hickey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQbBTPcIDbs), time after time making intelligent runs, before coolly blazing the ball high and/or wide. But it was the headline grabber from match one, Dzagoev, who broke the deadlock; glancing the ball past Szczesny’s replacement, Tyton; following an expertly delivered free-kick.

The Russian’s looked flatter than a cat walk model post half time, and the Poles capitalised through a fabulous 20 yard strike from captain,Baszacowski Blaszczykovski Blaszszszszaa ‘Kuba’. The quality of the finish, the eruption of the home crowd, and the importance of the goal to the nation, arguably making this the moment of the tournament so far.

One each at the final whistle; both sides with a good chance of progression to the latter stages: -

Team	Pld	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	Pts
Russia	2	1	1	0	5	2	+3	4
Czech Republic	2	1	0	1	3	5	−2	3
Poland	2	0	2	0	2	2	0	2
Greece	2	0	1	1	2	3	−1	1

All the participants have a mathematical chance of qualification (assuming Russian misdemeanors aren't punished with a 6 point deduction); but Russia's quality, and Poland's heart, dictates they are likely to progress. As a by-product, the aforementioned would lead to Greece's Euro exit... does that sound right to you Frau Merkel?

(Angela Merkel's response)

BC
@BobbyCowsill
facebook group:- 'if that had gone in, it would have been a goal'

THE LAUNCH!

The launch.. being widely heralded as 'exciting' 'significant' 'tolerable' 'extraneous'.

(the player and the blog both..?)

It may seem like mismanagement on my behalf that I begin my journey into blogging the beautiful game at the only time of year when there’s no football being played, and I note your bewilderment, but declare, with absolutely no element of conceitedness, “au contraire my friend”... For if you delve into the psyche of the addicted fan (for which you probably are one yourself), now more than at any other stage during the year you are desperate for an outlet (hence I can sneak any old drivel under the Blogosphere*)... We’ve all but forgotten the glories and the disappointments that our club side provided us with last year, and we now crave more of that football based emotion; that escapism, that helplessness, and that almost inevitable gut wrenching disappointment. I know you’re thinking Euro 2012 is on the horizon, but this serves only to fuel our itching for the real season to begin. Let’s be frank here, who’s honestly thinking that listless performances from an England side packed with players we berate from the terraces the rest of the year; or meteoric clashes between heavyweights like Poland and Greece; are really going to make them laugh or cry? Euro 2012 is the equivalent of striking up a summer fling only days after your true love abandoned you. Yes it has the potential to be interesting, even fun, and it will patch up some of the hurt, but it’s just not going to fill that void. We’ll spend time with England over the next few weeks but only whilst comparing their fitness, performance, and relative ball skills against our missing partner...

With this in mind, I shall, like numerous others, divide my summer between masquerading as an England fan, and scouting for my beloved club - desperately hoping to unearth the next Karel ‘I even look like I have XX chromosomes’ Poborsky (to be fair: - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pimwFJYG1E8). This mission to match such scouting prowess will be one of a number of topics I hope to cover in my blog over the coming months... I already have a hunch Stewart ‘surely I got an assist this domestic season’ Downing could light up the tournament. In addition, I hope to bring you comment on player transfers, injuries and jail terms. Should the unthinkable happen and England reaches the latter stages I will even depict my journey on the band wagon (see *).

Anyway, as I have been so disparaging of a nation I am such a proud member of, I must conclude with a positive message to our crusaders in Eastern Europe... at least you’re not Italian!

 BC
@BobbyCowsill

 **I hope I’ve managed to occupy your neglected football lobe for almost 5 minutes there! (and another 5 once you’ve fashioned a witty, abusive response)...  Please comment and pass this around. Thanks