The Round-Up February 2014

Although I have splattered the World Wide Web with my un-unique brand of literary tripe, I have not proverbially vomited on 'if that had been a goal' for some time... I'm sure you've all missed it like Sunderland fans miss Paulo Di Canio.

Well, for the poor lonely soul out there that genuinely reads my self-absorbent patter, here's a round-up of the latest essential news from within the world of football: -

Tan’ed

(Vincent Tan looking more sinister
than a 70's TV star)

Vincent Tan has declared that just about everything at his beloved Cardiff City should centre on the number 8 - including the preferential signing of staff with the number somewhere in their birth-date. Given that Mr Tan has already fired a perfectly capable manager, changed the colour of Cardiff City's home kit and inexplicably jettisoned the club's director of recruitment, it is surely only a matter of time before the man who takes all his style tips from the bad guys in bond films appoints himself to the managerial role and converts the pitch to an octagon.

Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger!

It is hugely disappointing to hear of young players with the world at their feet being sucked up by the party lifestyle of booze, VIP clubs and glamorous girls - such hardships they face at such a testosterone driven age. Well, Adnan Januzaj may be an individual on the road to football stardom but refreshingly he hasn't let his new-found wealth and fame go to his head - presumably because he's physically about 10 years old and still suffers the wrath of his mother. The baby-faced United starlet, when confronted with a 25 year old 'lovely' from Liverpool, pondered Rosso, Wings and Australasia before deciding to don a pair of 'trackie-b's' and head to Nando’s. Bizarrely, the high-heeled shoes and cocktail dress ensemble adopted by his date was considered too sophisticated for such a cheap establishment and the girl in her anger sold her story of mal-treatment to the papers. Imagine, a wannabe WAG, 6 years Januzaj's senior, from the bedrock of class (Liverpool), selling her story and then complaining of being treated in a “stingy” manner. Such is the regard in which Januzaj is now held by the culture vultures that fill the terraces up and down the country that the news of his dating disaster has been met with uncompromising support. He was even welcomed to the playing field at Old Trafford by chants of "let’s all go to Nando’s, let’s all go to Nando’s" – the restaurant chain simply couldn't buy that kind of publicity! Their gift to Januzaj..? An offer of a free meal if he takes anyone else on a date there (the mysterious “anyone else” is sure to be an improvement).

An-der-gone-gone-gone

Talking of Nando's frequenters, Anderson, now known as 'Andow', has departed for the sunny and frequently corrupt climes of Italian football. His fitness and attitude must have been akin to Homer Simpson if he was surplus to the requirements of Manchester United's midfield! Andow, if you are a reader, the restaurateurs of Florence - sporting sharp new Armani suits and swinging the keys to shiny new sports cars - asked me to pass on a huge welcome!

Kinnear departs after what he’s told the press was 2 successful years of a 6 month tenure

(that's a bit harsh... on clowns)

Elsewhere, Joe Kinnear left his post as the Chief Abuse Deflector at Newcastle United this week - It is expected that Mike Ashley himself will now slide perfectly into the void left by the departure. It should be mentioned though that in losing Kinnear, Newcastle don’t just lose a popular figure, they also wave goodbye to his extensive contact book – he is known to communicate regularly with Sir Alex and has a relationship with every manager to have ever walked the earth. These special relationships were evident throughout his stint at the Tyneside club, and a fear must now exist that Newcastle United will resume normal transfer activity going forward (involving signing players and everything!). Joe Kinnear on the other-hand will claim he never worked at Newcastle at all, before further mirroring the career path of Geoffrey Archer.

Kall-storm

Arsenal are renowned for their unusual transfer policy, but the signing of Kim Kallstrom has even baffled Arsene Wenger himself! Deadline day is the football equivalent of shopping on Christmas Eve and inevitably compromises must be made – i) Arsenal are initially unable to secure Draxler in time; so, ii) they fail in the pursuit of Vucinic; thus iii) Arsenal presumably decide there's not one fit football player available... cue iv) Wenger considers Kim Kallstrom - He'll do nicely they say. Reports surfacing from my imagination suggest Wenger was knee deep in a game of Deadline Day Drinking when he signed off on this deal - before downing 4 fingers of Chateauneuf-du-Pape because the team he’s affiliated with came up on the yellow bar running along the foot of the screen. Wenger has subsequently concluded that he "would not have signed [a player with a broken back] if he’d had two or three more days" i.e. if he'd sobered up.  Due to injury the Swede is unlikely to feature within the next month; by which time Ramsey and Wilshere will likely have returned, got injured, and returned again. Arsenal fans can expect to see Kallstrom run out at the Emirates... well actually they can't.

Arsenal are Asia's number 1

Additional good news for the Gooners is that a survey carried out in Asia this week ranked them as the most supported outfit in the region; usurping the red half of Manchester. Arsenal players and fans can now expect a string of Asian pre-season tours in which most of the side suffer chronic gut-rot in an attempt to turn just one of the 50,000,000 shirts sold on the continent into a licensed sale. 

Dreams can come true.

If you have ever cast your eye over the lucky lasses that have secured the presenting posts at Sky Sports you won't have failed to notice that they are... let’s say... pleasing on the eye. As well as the most qualified and competent applicants - obviously! Imagine then heading off the field after collecting a dubious red card, trudging down the tunnel and into the dressing room, only to discover a naked female sports reporter in the ice-bath... and not just any old C*are Baldin*... a Sky Sports presenter!

(the broadcasting
sensation that is Miss Webster)

... sorry what were we talking about, I've somehow lost my train of thought...

... un-strategically placed bubbles... objects sharp enough to cut glass...

... yes, well, erm, anyway, that was exactly the scenario that faced the long-haired leviathan Andy Carroll after his dismissal at the weekend. The presenter in question, Charlie Webster. *Disclaimer - this only happens in other people's lives! If you kick someone during your Sunday league game this weekend you'll just end up sat in a drafty changing room on your lonesome with a teammate's discarded banana-hammock for eye candy.

Breaking News

Finally, I've literally just been told that Rio Ferdinand didn't retire at the end of last season after all... expect to see him grace a telebox near you soon (probably via a re-run of World Cup Wind-ups)

@BobbyCowsill

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England for the Engl-ish

(The title stolen from a line in a song by the above bastion of Englishness - see http://www.theguardian.com/football/2007/dec/10/sport.comment)

Huzzah, it's the international break again! The sporadic season interval that places an embargo on the usual week-long fixture list of desirable games, in favour of a bi-weekly display by your wilting nation (invariably against the likes of Azerbaijan). The excitement is overwhelming...

Appearing equally effervescent, Roy Hodgson last week announced England's squad for the potentially cringy double date with Chile and Germany, and though it was riddled with a few new faces, much of the squad's composition was as expected; the quintessentially British sounding Rodriguez the exception. But despite the slow evolution of the playing staff over the past 18 months, the new cohort finally making inroads into the "Golden Generation", there's a fear England remain bereft of the technical athletes that their competitors produce in their droves - a number of which may actually be on show at Wembley this week (Gotze, Ozil, Alexis).

Oddly, however, in seeking to address this lack of subtly, invention and verve, the FA seems only to have deepened concerns. To onlookers of English football, some of last month's activities look as desperate as a suburban housewife (or as any lesser-spotted celebrity on "Get Me Out of Here")! Over the past decade there has been a metaphorical revolving door at the FA's offices, new facilities built at St. George's Park, as well as numerous Posh Spice-esque face lifts to the national game; and yet England are still pinning hopes, and expending finite resources, on poaching players primarily qualified for other nations.

The rationale is obvious: improved performances and results in the short-term from the one time World Cup winners - the triumph of 1966 worn like a millstone round the neck; especially given that, despite qualifying for next summer's World Cup festivities, modern history is littered with performances flatter than a size zero model. The Chief Executive summing up the nations expectation levels ahead of Brazil 2014 by proclaiming "2022" a more achievable target (helpful) - in a nutshell, the players are infinitely more likely to return with one of Rio's infamous lady-boy's than any silverware.

There is therefore, a legitimate argument that failure to incorporate the best athletes available to England merely restricts progress further - after all, the ploy of 'adopting' candidates has been widely used in other sports and by other nations to aid success (see England's current Ashes XI or Ireland's World Cup side of 1994). But for many, including myself, the notion of selecting players for the national team via a regulatory loop-hole offers a worrying precedent.

Jack Wilshere's remarks on the possibility of using the FIFA residency rules to qualify Manchester United's Adnan Januzaj, a player who is eligible for virtually every nation except England, spoke volumes. Dressed in a tracksuit (as worn by those from Luton) and looking strikingly similar to Tommy Robinson (that's nothing more than a visual observation), Wilshere announced, "The only people who should play for England are English people... If you live in England for five years it doesn’t make you English".

(Is that Messi in the back of Noel
Fielding's wagon?)

Though doubtless he could have been more careful with the wording of his statement, the crux of the issue is that a national team, by its very definition, is for players originating from the given country only. Henry Winter, writing in the Telegraph, likened the FA's attempts to artificially broaden the pool of players available to England to adopting "the Child Catcher role from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang".

The problem is driven by the blurred essence of Englishness, and who/what constitutes an English sportsman or woman? Most, in a model world, would like to see the boy or girl from their street or their town representing their hopes and desires on the world stage; someone that they can relate to and feel inherently proud of. Depending on your location, ethnic origin, and even economic background, this "model athlete" represents vastly different values. The normative nature of the above guarantees that the answer to the question "what is an Englishman?" will differ hugely from individual to individual.

So, do you rely on place of birth? Do you take a scientific approach that states an athlete's genetic makeup as the defining factor in their eligibility? Adopt a political stance and allow someone who has been an inhabitant of the nation for a certain duration of time? Or, implement the intangible, and allow those who have a passion to represent a given country to participate? The huge amount of maneuverability within these constraints, especially when used in conjunction with each other, highlights the difficulty in installing a one-size-fits-all policy... furthermore I expect almost every reader has a differing preference.

For the viability of inter-nation sports going forward there must be a practical and credible framework. As things stand, the loose application of qualifying criteria, such as residency, leaves the system open to abuse, and thus the incumbent population exposed... What's to prevent players being re-homed in a given nation, 'supported economically', and introduced to the national team set up in due course? In theory there's still time for Qatar to put together a competitive XI!

Whenever nationality/race issues are discussed there is a degree of sensitivity, and this particular debate will be no different (see the media circus surrounding Jack Wilshere's comments). I understand, and empathise with concerns, but I do wonder why the English are so precious about their nationality when it comes to Football. After all, they embraced the successes of a multitude of athletes from a diverse ethnic background in last summer's Olympic games; Mo Farah, Chris Froome et al. Furthermore, the residency rules allowed Deco and Marcos Senna to represent Portugal and Spain respectively, and it would take a belligerent soul to argue their detrimental effect on their countries' progression (I don't think I'm overstepping the mark when I say that Spain are pretty good).

I wonder therefore whether it's the perceived attack on a national institution, or the acceptance of defeat as a footballing force? Let’s be honest, it's hardly a show of strength that the explosion onto the scene of a young Belgian player with no English heritage has even been discussed as a prospective way forward!

Below I have outlined a few sportspeople who qualified for England via a variety of categories discussed above. Where do you feel the line should be drawn? At what point does the makeup of a national team no longer represent its people?

Phil Jagielka -
Born in Manchester, but eligible for Poland through ancestry. Carries a name as British as a sun-tan.

Terry Butcher -

(This iconic image has become the
benchmark by which all subsequent
England players are judged - But is
Terry Butcher English?)

A symbol of England's courage and passion, Butcher was in fact born in Singapore; though he moved to England when he was a child.

Wilfried Zaha -
Arrived on our shores from the Ivory Coast aged just 4. Has 2 caps for England to date.

Saido Berehino -
Passionate about playing for England in the future, the West Bromwich star was moved to the UK from Burundi when he was just 10 years of age.

John Barnes -
the jinky winger and part time rapper was born and raised in Jamaica. His family moved to London when he was a teenager and he subsequently amassed 79 England caps (and a number 1 hit).

Owen Hargreaves -
Born in Canada to a Welsh mother and an English father; Hargreaves opted for England in 2001 (he had never been a resident of the country at that point)

Lewis Holtby -
A Rhineland born midfield player with an English father. Has chosen to represent Deutschland.

Tony Dorigo -
Born in Australia, Dorigo was approached by the FA and asked to postpone his international career for an additional year in order to obtain British citizenship. He subsequently made 15 appearances for England.

Victor Moses -
Although hailing from Lagos, Nigeria, Moses represented England up to U-21 level through residency. He eventually chose to represent the country of his birth.

Adnan Januzaj -
Born in Belgium to Albanian-Kosovan parents, Januzaj is also eligible to play for Turkey and Serbia. He could potentially obtain citizenship and play for England in 2018.

(England's great hope - Wayne Rooney)

Wayne Rooney -
Drafted from a fairy-tale swamp, Rooney has amassed 86 caps (none of which, I have on good authority, fit on his head).

Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule googling naughty 'selfies'...

Please let me have your comments/feedback! I'm intrigued to know what the common consensus is...

BC
@BobbyCowsill
https://www.facebook.com/groups/262906063816351/