...a warped and cynical look at topical matters from within the galling world of football/soccer (for those of you stood forlornly on the other side of the pond)...
the blog has been rumoured to reach the dizzy heights of tolerable at times; so, if you're bored witless, and/or your partner has left you, please give it a minute of your time and let me have your feedback.
ta, BC
@BobbyCowsill
Given that the World Cup
tournament held in South Africa was a masterclass in listless football, played
out under the monotonous drone of brainless vuvuzela blowing, the current
tournament in Brazil could be considered an unmitigated success (bar the numerous
deaths to workers during construction of the stadia and of course the political
and economic fall out of FIFA's mobile tax haven). There have been goals and
talking points aplenty, numerous shock results and even the most uninspiring of
fixtures have produced a spectacle e.g. South Korea 2 Algeria 4. A+.
But despite all this
positivity there is a black cloud hanging over proceedings, born of
eye-watering levels of stupidity. What's even more bewildering is this isn't
the first time this disgusting act has been on show publically!
You will all know
what I'm referring to. The picture doubtless gives it away!
Yes, the [hateful] Mexican Wave!
(above: the world's living brain transplant donors)
People are paying divorce
inciting amounts of money to fly to the other-side of the world and watch the
planet's best players in action, only to get hideously bored two minutes in and
attempt to entertain themselves by standing up and flinging their arms in the
air. How can a grown human being find such an activity anything other than an
irritating distraction from the on-field affairs!? How utterly moronic do you
have to be to find standing up and sitting down at the same time as a cluster
of other total air-heads either amusing or entertaining!?
The Mexican Wave is the
international symbol for boredom and possibly the biggest insult to the action
unfolding in front of you. This natural tie to tedium is illustrated by the
occasions in which the monstrosity can be routinely found: rain delay at
Wimbledon, men's Olympic beach volleyball, anything involving Ed Milliband etc.
Why then given the productivity and controversy played out during the World Cup
thus far, and the colossal cost of attending the tournament, is the metachronal
rhythm of the wave scarring my retina?
It is a stain on the
otherwise excellent World Cup - admittedly progress from the vuvuzela - and
disrespectful to the endeavors of the players. FIFA outlawed the vuvuzela and
should take similar action against the neanderthals who persist with the
Mexican Wave. In my opinion participation by anyone over 6 years of age should
result in immediate expulsion from the terraces followed by removal of any
rights to procreate - it is what Darwin would have wanted.
Let's make the wave
history! (£1 rubber wristbands available at literally no good retailers)
Despite bundling on for two years bringing punters the least
relevant information in the most long-winded and frustrating fashion, this is
the inaugural 'If That Had Gone In' (ITHGI)
annual awards! I know what you're thinking... "I wonder if a seal would
make a good pet!?"
Here at ITHGI we believe that from meagre beginnings institutions are formed, and having implemented this blind optimism, the Royal Albert Hall is booked for next year's presentations. Reginald D.
Hunter is yet to confirm his invitation to host, spouting some drivel about the
PFA awards, but Jim Davidson is a ready replacement.
Without further ado...
Worst Premier League Player 2014
There were plenty of candidates for this [soon-to-be]
prestigious award, but one individual literally and metaphorically stood head
and shoulders above the rest...
...Congratulations, Marouane Fellani.
If you're going to play football in a bewilderingly incompetent
manner, try and do it inconspicuously for goodness sake! Sprouting hair with a
surface area comparable with the Eurasian tectonic plate and signing for one of
the world's most high profile clubs is a 'no-no'... professional suicide one
might say.
(above: Marouane Fellaini)
Fellaini's abject performances during the past season, coupled
with the hap-hazard manner in which his transfer was conducted, have resulted
in the Belgian international becoming a 'poster boy' for Manchester United's
woes under the leadership of the now departed David Moyes.
In a full season with the 2012/2013 Premier League Champions
Fellaini has mustered a credible nil goals, 2 yellow cards and a reputation for
stray, unprovoked elbows.
Things can only get better for the bay tree impersonator next
term... unless of course, as his lack of innate ability suggests, they don't!
Asked how he felt about usurping the likes of Iago Aspas to the
Worst Premier League Player 2014 Award, Fellaini donned a gormless
expression and appeared to throw a further elbow.
Worst Premier League Team 2014
It's natural to look
to the foot of the table for the worst Premiership outfit 2014, but on the
whole all the relegated sides provided entertainment. After all, creating
interest and generating a welcome distraction from the mundane trudge of
everyday life is largely the point of sport!
(above: United fans breakdown after the loveable Suarez notches Liverpool's 3rd)
On
a case-by-case basis, though Cardiff City and Fulham fans probably endured
rather than enjoyed their last 12 months, each provided talking points and
column inches. Furthermore, relegation dodgers Manchester United certainly
provided amusement to many rival fans as their smug part-time supporters
returned to more local interests; such as Sumo Wrestling.
The aforementioned teams may have delivered a worse performance than Paul
McCartney at the London Olympic Opening Ceremony, but ultimately achieved a
tolerable level of interest and thus must be excluded from this award.
It is therefore with great dishonour that I declare West
Bromwich Albion as the most catastrophic Premier League organisation of the
2013/2014 season.
Their appointment of Pepe Mel - qualified to manage on the
grounds that his name sounds more exotic than Steve Clarke's - acting as the
catalyst for the dullest 12 months since Gordon Brown left office.
What exactly WBA's board members were thinking when they
employed a man whose CV is less inspiring than the stains on a geriatric's
handkerchief, strong alcohol only knows. I appreciate the skills and charisma that
foreign managers and players can bring to the Premiership - see Henry and
Mourinho - but why on earth appoint someone so bland and ultimately
toothless?
I have rambled on before about the tendency for the XI on the
pitch to represent the man in the dugout, and, well, the Baggies certainly
managed that! The West Midlands club producing lost, passionless performances bereft of philosophy and
progression, born of a man who "didn't want to betray his style of
football" - or lack thereof.
Had West Brom had the common courtesy to get involved in a
relegation dog fight and eventually sink into the Championship - a la Norwich
City - I'd have largely forgiven their numb lifeless existence. But alas,
no.
They did fall back into 17th position but the sheer
hopelessness of the 3 below them meant they were never really in any danger.
Thankfully Premier League survival didn't rescue Mel, who departed on 13 May 2014.
As entertaining as Geordie Shore and as successful as the
Jamaican bobsled team, West Bromwich Albion you were this season's worst team.
Commiserations.
(*Disclaimer - Anelka's actions are unlikely to be a
reflection of his manager's views)
Worst Manager
The aforementioned Pepe Mel was shortlisted for this award but
as he was so hopeless from birth a significant portion of the blame must rest
with Mr Garlick and his idiosyncratic decision to hire. Garlick thus exonerates
the Spaniard.
The enormity of the task facing David Moyes post Sir Alex
Ferguson brought the "Chosen One's" managerial world tumbling down
withing 10 months - along with the Old Trafford based club as a whole. Taking a
team of perennial champions and producing performances so limp Pfizer couldn't
find a remedy is an underachievement of epic proportions. Had he not been so
dignified throughout the campaign and worked so tirelessly to turn things round
he'd have been a shoe in for this most crass and obnoxious of awards.
But the man that really embraced lunacy and self-destruction was
Paulo Di Canio, and he's ITHGI's overwhelming
choice.
The Italian was described as many things during his tenure, including "flamboyant", "out-spoken" and "a breath of
fresh air"... but I think the word they were all really looking for was
"useless". I imagine the Sunderland player's post-watershed comments may hit the nail on the head.
An inept man-manager of Field Marshal Haig proportions, with a
penchant for controversy, Paulo Di Canio is a media dream and a supporter
nightmare.
Allowed to sign a staggering 14 players during the summer of
2013, the former Lazio star's Sunderland outfit generously amassed 1 point from
their first five games before Di Canio's services were dispensed of.
Sunderland's subsequent upturn in fortune - culminating in a
League Cup final and Premiership safety - is a further endorsement of the
Italian's incompetence.
(Di Canio represents the first of our title winners unable to
defend his title next term (or ever for that matter))
Worst Owners
This category has been very hotly contested this year with
unpalatable behaviour exuding from boardrooms the length and breadth of the
country - imagine what life would be like without the FA's 'fit and proper
persons test'! (well, exactly the same obviously...)
The ability for renowned and successful business people to make
a total 'dog's dinner' of football club ownership never ceases to amaze me! On
paper these individuals are astute and command respect, yet as soon as they get
their hands on an English football team they turn into brainless egotists -
often hell bent on undermining the very fabric of the city or town that they've
stumbled into.
This year's candidates have spent money poorly (if at all),
attempted to change the name of their purchase and appointed a plethora of
hapless managers.
(above: Tan looking as trustworthy as ever)
However only one man has torn the heart out of it's loyal
supporters in the name of inevitable relegation. This individual not only looks
like a villain from a James Bond film but he also behaves in the same
self-serving and arrogant manner. This award winner believes that the
appointment of staff with the number 8 in their birth date is lucky and that
'Bluebirds' are red... because that too is lucky.
Furthermore this individual sacked a very capable and well
respected manager in Malky MacKay and replaced him with an affable
rookie.
Cardiff City fans have been distanced from their long-standing
club and humiliated by a man with absolutely no interest in the culture and
society he has bought into. If you're going to erode the traditions and values
of an entity make sure you buy Yaya Toure and Sergio Aguero for crying out loud!
Vincent Tan, you've shown disrespect to the people of Cardiff and displayed a staggering level of cluelessness. You're ITHGI's Worst
Owner 2014.
Life-Time [Lack of] Achievement Award
This year one man above all others deserves to be rewarded for
his dedication to the cause over a career spanning 16 years...
Arise Steven
Gerrard.
The 34 year old colossus from Whiston has been a leader of men
for an incredible 33 years and 10 months of his life - right up to the moment
the reds reached the pinnacle of English football.
"We do not let this f**king slip" he proclaimed with a
delusional sense of grandeur the likes of which hasn't been seen since Alex
Salmond last spoke. Roughly translated from sweary Scouse, Gerrard was saying
"this is my big chance to reach Luke Chadwick's Premier League haul, you
useless bunch better not scupper it for me".
Sadly for the Liverpool talisman some Ade Akinbiyi-esque control
followed by the inability to panic and run simultaneously, presented Demba Ba
with an unchallenged route to goal. The rest will become history once the video
completes its 539th lap of my Twitter feed.
Having singlehandedly carried an ailing Liverpool for over a
decade - collecting a copy of almost every medal on route - Steven Gerrard has literally and figuratively let the Merseyside
club's opportunity to win their 19th English title slip - it's a cruel
sport.
The Liverpool captain also picks up this season's 'ITHGI' Irony
Award.
