THE ROUND UP (20 June 12)

The last week or so has been packed with news from the ever evolving world of football, and here’s your bite-size reminder: -

Euro 2012

(courtesy of  dearfabio.wordpress.com)

The Euro Group Stages have already concluded, and we’re now only a week or so from going football ‘cold-turkey’. Thankfully, the proverbial Nicorette patch being the increasingly sporadic helping of knock-out football... and believe it or not England are participating! 

The 3 Lions topping Group D, thanks to France's final game capitulation, and the utterly worthless extra officials: they have 1 job to do, and yet, time after time they miss crucial moments; anyone else would be 'relieved of their position'! (civil servants aside). Note however, that Sepp 'even' Blatter 'than ever', has now declared Goal Line Technology a "necessity" - where were those comments after England vs. Germany!? 

Anyway rant over... England's group victory means they have avoided Spain, and instead will play a juicy tie against 1968 Winners Italy. Thankfully, reports from Italy suggest that much of this 1968 side will be unavailable Sunday night; surely giving England a 'fighter's chance' of progressing... and subsequently meeting with Germany in the semi-finals (fortunately England's record against the Germans at this stage in major tournaments is enviable). However, a word of warning, lets try not to get hysterical now that ENGLAND ARE GOING TO WIN!!!

Unfortunately for our friends over the Irish Sea, and also for publicans in Eastern Europe, Trapattoni’s men will not be joining us in the knock-outs; having been unceremoniously dumped out without troubling the scorers. Shrinking violet, Roy Keane, expressing his displeasure by proclaiming, "I'm sick of this 'win, lose, we're on the booze' mentality"; and Keith Andrews expressing his frustration by aiming a kick at the team's drink-bottles following his red card... needless to say, he missed.

(Pair of Benders: Lars & twin Sven)

The Kinks said, “Give the people what they want”, and who’s going to argue with musical aristocracy!? Therefore, I have succumbed to the clamour of the public, and propose to follow the versatile German player Lars Bender for the remainder of his tournament... or until he scores the winning penalty against England (though I'm aware this may generate attempts to revive the article by the Scots; Bender now akin to; Wallace, Burns, the Bruce, Boyle and Maradona). 

I digress; this new segment shall be entitled; ‘Bender Watch’. disclaimer: - my childish ramblings are not meant to cause any offence (unless they are), and I in no way harbour homophobic or any other prejudicial views... and nor should you!)

Wait, just climbing down from my moral steed...

Okay. I am delighted to announce that this fresh segment got off to a banging start on Sunday evening; Lars sneaking in round the back of the Danish defence, and caressing the ball past Stephan Andersen... His first International goal, and an important one, securing Germany’s group win, and sending the plucky Danes crashing out. No wonder Bender fell to the floor wrapped in the arms of his teammates.   

As well as the Danes and the Irish, other notable absentees from the latter rounds include the following: -

·         Russia – The team I predicted would waltz Group A, eventually throwing it all away with a lacklustre defeat at the hands of the Greeks

·         Co-hosts Poland – who just couldn’t translate their fantastic support into points.

·         Holland – tipped by me as potential winners, the Dutch go home with nil pois, having been; listless, disorganised, and (just for a change) disharmonious.

·        Zlatan Ibrahimovic

·         Croatia – Came up just short in a tough group. A case of what might have been, had Rakitic just nodded home Modric's cross against Spain.

 For completeness, the less distinguished departures being; Ukraine... oh, and Ibrahimovic’s colleagues. 

Irrelevant news

Perhaps the most surprising knock-out this week however, came at Allerton Castle, where new bride Rebecca Guthrie, WAG of ex-Newcastle and Bolton man Danny, was given the proverbial 10 count.

(Allerton Castle: Wedding & WWE Venue)

I’m not sure what the unwritten rules of conduct and etiquette are for a wedding guest, but I can say with a degree of certainty that giving the bride a knuckle-sandwich is a no-no.

According to The Daily Mail, ‘Shocked staff said the event reminded them of a Big Fat Gypsy Wedding as lobster thermidor was hurled around, later followed by punches, kicks and slaps’.

You can take the boy out of Liverpool...

The Rivalry Returns

Another headline grabber this week, was the return of the Scotland versus England fixture. Traditionally an annual event, until abolition in 1989, it is the oldest international fixture in association football - the first meeting a nil nil thriller played out at Hamilton Crescent in 1872.

 Since Danny Dyer and his 'nawty' comrades put pay to the spectacle, there have been only a handful of meetings between the ‘Auld Enemy’; the most notable during Euro 1996. The game going down in English folk law for THAT goal; one player partial to a drop (Gazza), lifts the ball over another partial to a dram (Hendry), before volleying the ball past self confessed serial drinker, Andy Goram – how fitting that celebration was (see right).

The last meeting was the Euro 2000 playoff at Wembley, and I’ll be lynched if I don’t point out that Don Hutchinson headed the winner - England ultimately progressed 2 – 1 on aggregate though.

With all this history in mind, the latest instalment is sure to be a wonderful occasion; make a note in your diary! It’s been scheduled for 14 August 2013 at Wembley, so there’s plenty of time for the Scots to stock up on ‘see-you-jimmy’ hats, and for their opposition to put some imitation ‘Knights Templar’ outfits together.

 Transfer News

 Joe Jordan’s sparring partner, Rino Gattuso, has decided to take his football/cage-fighting hybrid to Switzerland; having signed on the dotted line at FC Sion. He had previously been linked with a return to Glasgow Rangers, and had publically expressed his interest in making this move. Unfortunately for Rino the deal hit a slight snag... namely the fact the club is no longer in existence. (More on Rangers plight to follow...)

Surprising news from Arsenal, as they look to have wrapped up the signing of a French player! 25 year old Montpellier striker, Olivier Giroud, scored 25 goals in Ligue 1 last term, and Arsene Wenger will be hoping he can continue this trend and score 26 next... 25 more than Chamakh.

The much sought after Argentine, Lavezzi, completed a big money move to Paris Saint-Germain from Napoli this week. I would expect a barrage of complaints from Mr Platini on the back of PSG's spending... It's ruining football isn't it Michel? 

Elsewhere, Chelski had a £4 million bid rejected for Moses; it's thought they'll now turn to Noah. 

BC

Twitter: @BobbyCowsill
Facebook Group: 'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal'

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