Shock! England Exit on Penalties...

(Rooney portraying his performance through mime)

I proceeded into the glorious British summer laden with scepticism over the prospect of sharing my damp drizzly days with a familiar, yet seductive partner; a partner who has historically either torn my heart from my chest, or simply bored me into apathy. 

This inherent uncertainty paled into insignificance early in June however, as my passion whisked me away on a whirlwind of excitement and even joy; the draw against the French, and Welbeck’s back heel winner; two important milestones on this journey. I even began to believe that this relationship could develop and possibly flourish into something that could last; maybe the prior disappointment serving as the catalyst...

Well no... As is invariably the case, the honeymoon period ended, and the same displeasing aesthetics, and eventually, the same intolerable habits returned to the forefront. As I watched on Sunday evening, the hope and excitement was slowly displaced by the familiar wave of frustration and irritation. England having tantalised in earlier games were now just the sorry sight that I had predicted prior to the Euros commencement (about the only correct prediction I’ve made). The Italian players cherished the ball in the way they do their bearded grandmothers, whilst their English counterparts were utterly terrified of it. L’Oreal model, Pirlo, epitomised the difference in class - always calm on the ball, he habitually turned into space and seldom failed to find a blue shirt; even when producing cutting passes in the final 3^rd. In fact had it not been for average finishing from his lesser team mates, Pirlo’s artistry would have seen Italy home long before the final whistle - the idiosyncratic Balotelli, and the bizarrely attired De Rossi, the main culprits.

The poor finishing; resolute defending from Cole, Lescott, and Terry; and a star performance from Lady Luck; conspired to restrict Italy’s goal column to nil throughout all 120 minutes. Thus sending the game into the dreaded penalties.

Apart from the penalty shoot-outs England have faced in virtually every tournament in my life time (1990, 1996, 1998, 2004 & 2006), this would be their first attempt... or at least that’s what we wanted our players to believe. With every failure, pressure is ramped up another notch, thus the simple act of kicking a small spherical object between an 8’ x 24’ frame, becomes the footballing equivalent of sitting through 'Everybody Loves Raymond' without concreting your ear canal and tearing your retina out. The catch 22 needs to be broken!

The thought amongst the sloping forehead, knuckles scraping along the ground, beer for breakfast English folk of my local, was that this was that time. After all, Italy have been almost as futile in shoot-out situations as England have (bar a World Cup final); and just maybe the luck had turned in England's favour (see Ukraine, and the charmed existence of the England goal against Italy).

England even led the shootout after 4 strikes... Montolivo presumably missing deliberately; not for illegal betting reasons I’m hastened to add, but to ensure that even England’s biggest sceptics would be enveloped by the malicious little thing known as ‘hope’. This was encouraged further when, the disappointing (diplomatic)/ dreadful (honest), Wayne Rooney, managed to convert his opportunity.

But, losing time and time again, isn’t because England are unlucky, it’s because they’ve got the emotional control of a pubescent teenage girl. Whether it’s the history, the expectation, or the acute awareness of environment, the English seem always to fail where their counterparts don’t. Andrea Pirlo’s sumptuous penalty epitomizing this; dinking the ball ‘Penenka’ style over the premature lunge of Joe Hart.

This show of confidence may have unsettled England as what followed was all too familiar...

Ashley Young, having been absent throughout the duration of the tournament, was the first, and least surprising, England casualty - begging the question, "could you not have remained absent for 10 more minutes?". Having walked all the way to the penalty spot without taking his eyes off the turf, Young proceeded to charge at the ball and club it against the cross bar (he was fortunate it finished that close given he’d not checked where the goal was). Still, given the velocity of Young’s effort, it did stand a chance. The same can not be said of Cashley Cole’s back pass...  So poor was the strike that the camera man was able to film both Cole’s Bambi-esque run up, and Buffon’s subsequent save, from behind each respective party.

(Not even this chaps wedding vegetables could deny Italy..
Top marks for trying though.. your OBE awaits)

The misses turned the tide, and Di Canio wannabe Diamanti confirmed England’s fate with the Italian’s 4^th successful spot kick; despite distraction (see right).

Returning to my tired metaphor - Having witnessed shoot-out failure AGAIN, the betrayal, and associated break-up embarrassment returned – How did I let England get under my skin again? Everyone told me this would happen! etc etc. Afterall, I knew myself, and even chose to tell my reader(s)...

It can’t be denied however, that England deserved their exit from Euro 2012. In fact, as the game wore on it became increasingly apparent that facing our fear, and holding on for penalties, would be our only chance of success.

 It certainly wasn’t like times gone by, where half-cut bleached individuals of legendary status miss open nets; or commanding centre-backs have perfectly valid goals chalked off in extra time... In the words of the great Irish philosopher Mr Murphy, “I’m not bitter”.

Still, who’d have thought the 1990’s would be recalled as the glory years!?

By way of reminder, here's a timeline of England's tournament finals since my birth: -

World Cup 1986 - Maradona's 'hand of God'
Euro 1988 - embarrassed in Group B (see Ray Houghton)
World Cup 1990 - defeat on penalties to West Germany
Euro 1992 - knocked out by Brolin (the subject of Dolly Parton's 1974 hit)
Euro 1996 - defeat on penalties to Germany - also see 'Sick-note' & Gazza misses
World Cup 1998 - defeat on penalties to Argentina - also see Sol Campbell disallowed goal
Euro 2000 - knocked out of Group A following Phil Neville's clumsy challenge (FYI we beat Germany and they finished bottom of the group)
World Cup 2002 - Ronaldinho flukes a free-kick over Seaman
Euro 2004 - defeat on penalties to Portugal - also see Sol Campbell disallowed goal
World Cup 2006 - defeat on penalties to Portugal
World Cup 2010 - defeat to Germany - also see Lampard's goal
Euro 2012 - defeat on penalties to Italy

p.s. as promised : -

Bender Watch

As a side issue to the events of Sunday evening, and to continue the somber tone of this text, I will update you on the progress of Britain’s adopted player of the tournament, Lars Bender.

After an explosive start to this segment last week, sadly there is little to report this. Unfortunately, Bender did not partake in Germany catapulting Greece out of the Euro(s); overseen by Frau Merkel naturally. Bender was instead last observed perusing the Discotheques of Gdansk.

BC
@BobbyCowsill
facebook group - 'if that had gone in it would have been a goal'

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