The Round-Up 29 November 2012

(the definitive Mo for Movember
- though I fear he may have raised
awareness of same sex relationships as
opposed to male health)

You won't be surprised to learn that the story dominating this week's football headlines has been Michael Owen's outrageous, 'I wear buttless chaps at the discotheque on a Friday night' style, mustache. The monstrosity, seen left, was thrust into the national gaze by his appearance on Sky Sports' Champions League coverage of match day five. I recall a certain air of disbelief filled my local drinking establishment as the broadcaster's cameras panned round to reveal Owen's hair ravished philtrum for the first time. Further, you could witness the withering of other rival facial shrubbery, and the associated wedding vegetables, adorned by many of the locals... Michael Owen, a man who until Wednesday week had been rumoured pre-pubescent, was now the shining beacon of manliness (I imagine a certain brown condiment company will be in touch imminently).

Unfortunately for Owen though, his valiant hair growing attempts appear to have been in vain, Chelski instead plumping for the textbook goatee fashioned by full-time waiter and aspirational manager Rafa Benitez (seemless continuity link there). The Spaniard replaces one time wonder-maker Roberto Di Matteo, ironically a victim of poor Champions League form, at the helm of Roman Abramovich's Chelski; and that, I'm told, is a FACT.

Mr Benitez, the once, or possibly current, sworn enemy of the Stamford Bridge faithful, was reported in Chelski's pre-match programme to have taken the poisoned chalice as "interim first-team manager" -Abramovich likely to resume his long-term pursuit of Pep Guardiola as the season draws to a close.

(Di Matteo again finds himself
out of work despite bringing success
to a club, and in spite of his
popularity amongst fans) 

Now I appreciate many high profile managerial vacancies have come and gone (predominately at Chelsea!) since Benitez parted company with Internazionale in December 2010; however, surely Chelski's blunt admission is an insult to a man who guided Valencia to two La Liga titles, and a UEFA Cup; as well as helping Houllier's Liverpool 'smash and grab' the Champions League in 2005.

To irritate Benitez further, the reception he received from Chelski's supporters during their game with Manchester City on Sunday was audibly, and unmistakeably, hostile - despite Benitez's post-match claims that he "had not heard" the boos (whilst simultaneously dabbing his eyes with a tissue from his second box of floral scented Kleenex). Still not satisfied with their new boss' mental state, in the 16th minute of the game, the aforementioned fans morphed in a manner popularised by Robert Louis Stevenson, from a raging animal, into a placid and sombre collective, in order to show respect and gratitude to the outgoing Di Matteo (formerly Chelsea's no.16).

(A jibe at comments Benitez made
about Chelsea during his
Liverpool tenure)

Di Matteo was not alone however in his race to Job Centre Plus on Monday morning; Mark Hughes, having been relieved of his position at lowly Queens Park Rangers, was following on behind - as his side have been all season. With 13 games gone (one since his dismissal), Hughes' former men have managed to nearly win a grand total of... A game. This frankly Derby-esque level of futility has left the club from West London seven points adrift of safety, and bottom of the Premier League (even behind Liverpool!). Sparky's replacement and the man drafted in to evade relegation, amongst other things, is 'if that had gone in, it would have been a goal' regular 'Arry Redknapp. Redknapp has already been observed conducting the obligatory drive-by interview through a wound down window; and heard building up the enormity of the job (only Harry Houdini and Redknapp himself can save them apparently)... we await the familiar yet obscure "top top" loan signings... Jorge Mendes will be rubbing his hands together.

Reverting to this weekend's disappointments, assuming that Redknapp's return to football isn't one, it's worth noting that none of the previous candidates; Benitez, Di Matteo, Hughes, Chelski's alienated fans etc, actually win the accolade for the week's most disgruntled entity. All are thoroughly usurped by a Japanese journalist hoping to attend the summit clash in Scotchland's mighty fourth tier...

So miserable was this man's plight that The Daily Mail even took time out of their busy scaremongering schedule to report the story, "Daisuke Nakajima packed his bags, booked his tickets and began a 6000 mile journey from Tokyo to Moray to watch the Ibrox giants [Rangers] take on Elgin City in the Third Division. But, after a 14 hour flight, an overnight stay in Edinburgh and a five-hour journey, it was only as his train was a few miles from Elgin's Borough Briggs football ground that he realised the game had been called off".

With no air of smugness whatsoever, I refer you to a previous blog post (Nostradamus eat your heart out!):-
http://bobbycowsill.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/follow-follow-on-we-all-follow-team-12.htmlh

(Nakajima shown above - it's
alleged this photo was taken on
the red carpet during the premier
 of 1984 film Karate Kid in which
he starred (still not there??)...
as Mr Miyagi)

It's clear that Mr Nakajima is NOT one of my regular four readers, as though the above report was an excuse to extract the Michael from the lower echelons of Scottish 'football', it did highlight a genuine concern I harboured prior to Rangers demotion... a fear that last weekend became a reality.

Mr Nakajima, along with several thousand other expectant spectators, was turned away from the Moray ground due to security worries. Elgin City Football Club, a club that usually caters for two home fans and their carers, seemingly incapable of coping with the demands of hosting a well followed outfit such as the 'Gers. Subsequent reports have revealed that the home ticket office allowed sales to exceed the ground's maximum capacity by circa 25% (meaning they sold 5 tickets I assume), forcing authorities to pull the plug last minute. The host's punishment for this logistical error has been a £25,000 fine, an order to pay Ranger's expenses, and the equivalent of an ostrich size egg on the face. Still, it's not all negative for those affiliated with Elgin... at least their team avoided the inevitable pasting; AND, given that the region contains the world famous Malt Whisky Trail, no one will remember the incident by now anyway!

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BC
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